Sunday, July 11, 2010

The traveler's lament. AKA airplane toilets are disgusting and now I have to clean my house

Forgive me Boston for I have traveled. It has been 5 weeks since I was last home. To say that the bloom is off of the rose that has been this summer vacation, is a striking understatement.

I am sitting elbow to elbow with Sami, on our Trans Pac flight home to Maui. My "m" key is fucking broken, there are two children directly behind us who are VERY unhappy about being onboard, the meal was some sort of enchilada shit, and I have a migraine. My feet are swelling despite me forgoing most of the enchilada and all of the tortilla chips (though I must confess that I ate the rest of that pounder of M&Ms). My skin is dry and itchy, I've read all of my magazines, and the fucking battery is going to die on my laptop momentarily. I ordered tea and they served me coffee. There is fucking turbulance and I have to pee, and this shit coffee is doing nothing to improve matters, but I am in the window seat and my tray table is down and the seatbelt light is on and so I guess I'll just have to hold it. I am starting to really appreciate the concept of Depends for long-haul flights, or even (it must be said) puddle jumpers (no pun intended). And not just so I can pee in the comfort of my own seat - I am convinced that peeing in my pants is actually CLEANER then using the bathroom on an airplane. Airplane bathrooms are gross, and they are made even more disgusting by turbulence. Can't we all just agree to sit down to pee during a flight? I am sick and tired of encountering puddles of piss all over the floor and toilet seat of the airplane bathroom. Stop with your hovering bullshit, ladies - just slap that ass down on the seat and hit your mark. You are not going to catch an STD from making contact with the toilet, the only thing you are going to accomplish is peeing on yourself and the surrounding area, and probably your own clothing if you get a good stream going - which is almost impossible when you are hovering ANYWAY. It is damn hard to empty your bladder when you are clenching your ass and all of your abdomen and thigh muscles, hunched over and swaying - you'll just have to pee again in 10 minutes anyway, only now the toilet will be covered with urine from you and about 100 other people - which I am pretty sure is far more disgusting than sitting down on the seat to begin with.. And men, you don't have good aim in ideal circumstances, why even try to hold steady while the floor and toilet are both in motion?

Anyway, as I was saying. This vacation is over, and I am anxious to get off this plane. I want to sleep in my own bed, and drive my own car and use my own bathroom - but only after I have set up an espresso bar just outside of the shower for convenient mid-conditioning lattes like I had in Seattle. It's hard to be so conflicted about going home.

Plus, home is going to look different. Upon our triumphant return to ye olde homestead, I will have some changes to adjust to. One is the distinct lack of a ceiling in my living room. Sami got rid of it during our vacation, which was one of the reasons we were gone for as long as we were - that sort of project needs some time, and a haz-mat suit.

Gecko poop is a fact of life in Hawaii attics, ya'll.

Another big change is that I will finally have a fenced yard. I am not sure exactly *where* the fence is, or how *much* fence is involved in said fencing of said yard, but there is some fencing, and it better be good. In fact, I believe "epic" is the word I used in previous conversations.

And then, there is the Rest Of The House.

Maui is, for all intents and purposes, a fairly dirty/dusty place. A great deal of our time is spent out-of-doors, much of it barefoot. Which means that my house gets pretty dirty and needs a fairly constant level of maintenance - which I am loathe to provide. The thought of what awaits me upon my return........boggles the mind. The bathroom has not been thoroughly cleaned in 6 weeks. The porch has not been swept, which means it will resemble a nest of twigs and dog hair and spiderwebs and dust. The windows have not been cleaned, which means that we probably will not be able to see out of them. The ceiling fans will be coated in dust and the corners will be in need of a thorough vacuuming. Oh who am I kidding - I'm going to have to vacuum the whole damn house.

And then there's the gecko poop.

Sami insists that he cleaned up post-remodeling, and I am certain that he did, indeed, clean up.

But as I mentioned, there was poop, of the gecko variety, set loose in my house as the living room ceiling - which was also the floor of the attic crawl space - came down. And that means that for my own peace of mind I have to wipe down every god damned surface with anti-viral disinfectant, or bleach, or both.

And we haven't even started talking about the post-vacation pile o'laundry to be washed and put away. I actually don't mind the washing so much - it's not as though I am going to be beating my dirty clothes on rocks down by the river, or scrubbing them on a washboard in a metal bucket on the porch, but I am definitely going to have to put everything away - a process that could stretch out over several weeks.

So yes, the vacation is over. And I am going home. To my house, and my dog, and about 36 hours of housecleaning.


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