Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The thoughts, they are running

You know those nights, where you lie in bed and your stream of consciousness just wrecks you? You want to sleep, you really do - but you can't.

Sometimes, it's money.
Sometimes, it's an unresolved personal issue.
Sometimes, it's work-related.
Sometimes, you just want some ice cream.

Usually, when I am awake in the middle of the night, I am good - it is as though I have had enough sleep, and my body is ready to get on with the day, already. "Stop lying around for Chrissake" my head will tell me. "Get your ass up - you have shit to do." (my head has a filthy mouth, doesn't she?)

And so I dutifully get out of bed, and sit here, in the dark, listening to the roosters and doing whatever needs to get done. But sometimes, when I am worried about things, or feeling unsure of myself, there is nothing to do but just sit here and marinate in that icky feeling of helplessness - which always seems worse at 3am, doesn't it?

Yes it does. Trust me. It's 4:54am and for 2 hours I have been lying in bed in the dark listening to Sami breathe, with my thoughts circling around in my brain. I do not feel awake and rested and ready to get on with my day. In fact, I don't think I am able to put together a coherent thought right now. Why the fuck I am trying to blog in this state is beyond me.

And you know what's keeping me awake? Besides the bills and my pounding headache and the STUPIDLY LOUD ROOSTERS and my desire for a big bowl of Cheerios (my go-to food in the pre-dawn hours)?


I haven't been poating about derby because I haven't been skating much. Work and life and traveling have all gotten in the way....and it sucks but it is what it is. And I would love to watch crazy derby girls have derby weddings and swim in the pool at Hooters and sing karaoke. And skate - I assume someone will be on skates at some point.

Because I have been away from regular practice and off-skates for such an extended period of time, I feel like I am the new girl all over again. I am out of shape and re-learning how to do everything on wheels. After 45 minutes of skating last night, I declared myself done for the day, and sat out for a bit. As the sun went down and it started to get dark on the basketball courts where we practice, I tried to set up the outdoor lighting. Quietly, so as not to bother the rest of the team, I skated over to the side, picked up one of the sets of lights, and skated to one end of the asphalt to set it up. And as I reached my destination, and went to set down the lights, my skates went out from under me, and I landed flat on my back - still clutching the lights.

It was like a fucking cartoon.

I didn't hurt myself - at least, not physically - but I think my pride has seen better days. I had thought that by now I was past the point where I would just randomly fall over. But since from time to time I randomly fall over WITHOUT SKATES ON, I guess that would be silly to hope for.

My point is this: I am out of sorts.

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