Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Well, that went only slightly better then I envisioned

Considering the fact that the drive TO Virginia involved the bumper detaching itself from my rental car in the first hour, my bar in terms of a successful roadtrip is, admittedly, very low.

The bumper stayed on my car, ergo it was already a highly successful endeavor.

The entire rest of the ride was a complete shit show.

The first issue - and the biggest, in terms of our drive - was that my 84 year old grandmother doesn't care for Glenda. "How does that thing work?" she demanded multiple times. And then she would immediately follow that up with, "It doesn't make any SENSE that thing. She is telling you to go the wrong way." At which point I would turn and say "I have no idea where I am, but if you know how to get where we are going, then BY ALL MEANS please enlighten me."

So then she would say, her disgust JUST BARELY VEILED, "Well, you want to turn that way, of course" gesturing in a general direction. And so I would dutifully follow my grandmother's direction, because the woman has been driving way longer then I have and I am certainly not going to second guess her.

And then we would drive a few miles down the road and she would immediately begin backtracking. "Hm. This doesn't look familiar. You should stop and ask directions." she would say, with the clear insinuation that I had gotten us into this mess.

It happened 3 times before we got out of Maryland.

I spent a good deal of time re-routing and trying to figure out where I was, and driving by exits because someone was asking me something when I was supposed to be trying to read signs. And when the 5 year old piped up and started putting her two cents in "This doesn't look right, mama" I pulled over. "What are you doing now?" my grandmother snapped. "Where are we going?"

"Everyone is going to have to stop talking now." I declared.
I might have been a bit shrill, actually.
"I am going to do exactly what the GPS tells me to. If it takes a little longer, that's OK. It will get us there, eventually. I don't want any more questions about where we are, or where we are going, or what state or town we are in, or what direction we are going, or what road we are getting on next, or when we are going to get there. I DON'T KNOW. I am listening to this little box, that works by magic. I need you to stop correcting and questioning me. I am starting to LOSE MY SHIT."

The silence? Was deafening.
For the rest of the ride, I tried to remain upbeat. My grandmother sat next to me quietly, carefully folding little pleats in her skirt. We had a few short conversations, but for the most part we were Not Speaking.

It was the best part of the entire drive.

1 comment:

Ro Magnolia said...

Oh my! The road trip from hell. I have to warn you that my husband owns a garage and we get at least two or three people a week stopping in because their GPS gave them completely wrong directions.

Or, my favourite, they pull in and say "My GPS gave us directions to this winery we wanted to go to but now we're here, we can't find it."

So my husband patiently takes them back outside his garage, points to the GINORMOUS sign immediately across the road and asks all innocently, "Was that the winery you were looking for??????"

So the GPS only works so far, and after that you really do need to use your brain ... if it isn't too frazzled from all the back seat drivers and their comments! :)