Monday, May 10, 2010

Sometimes, going back is harder then choosing to leave in the first place

Okay. I know we weren't going to talk about this any more.
I totally lied to you.

BUT I am almost done talking about this. Because last night was my first night back at the restaurant working with that guy - the asshole. And despite all of my misgivings, and the sleepless nights, and even the nausea in the parking lot that kept me in my car for several minutes while I worked up the courage to go was okay. I got all dolled up and rocked my turquoise sparkly Dorothy shoes, and went in there and did my best and had a great night and after the first hour I was feeling just fine - even though that guy was working and I had to interact with him and it was awkward and uncomfortable. I survived.

But you know what was interesting? It wasn't anger, or disappointment, or conflicting feelings about continuing to work for this guy that kept me all worked up and wide awake for the past week while I debated going back to work for him, and with him.

It was fear.

Old, deep fear. I have been marching around for the last few months thinking I was merely indignant. How dare he! No one talks to me like that!

But someone has. Someone has talked to me like that before and when my boss turned to me and spit those words out, man, it was like the twilight zone In My Head. Some crazy fucked up parallel universe that I wanted no part of and needed to escape for my own sanity. And THAT is why I left.

Of course, you don't talk to people like that, it just took me a lot of time to figure out why I reacted the way that I did: Instead of standing my ground and screaming FUCK YOU which would be my usual, natural response to such nonsense. Instead (and most unlike good old spastic loudmouth me) I was cool, calm, and without a doubt in my mind. No second thoughts. Because I had been practicing in my head all of these many years for what I would do The Next Time something like that happened to me. And I was ready.

I was brave enough now, because I am loved enough today.

1 comment:

Elly said...

Yay for being loved, and in being so having the courage to be brave :)