Tissues in my sleeve - on getting older

I lay in bed last night, fretting about my looming birthday.

It's a big one.

I am not pleased.

"I'm going to have to start putting tissues in my sleeve, like my mom. And my grandmother. It's a requirement once you reach a certain age." I whined.

"Why would you have to do that? If you need a tissue, get up and get one." Sami seemed confused.

"That's not how it works. I'm old. I need to conserve my energy. I can't just be hopping up every time I need a tissue." He just doesn't understand.

"um. Yeah. Okay." The confusion was palpable.

"I'll have to start wearing cardigans all the time, so I'll have a cuff to stick the tissue in. Even in bed, I'll have to wear a cardigan. Just a cardigan though. And I'll only button the top button."

Sami leered at me in the darkness."That sounds itchy. Here, I'll warm you up."

"Get your hands off me, old man. Listen, the cardigan serves a dual purpose. Old people are cold. I'll NEED that sweater to conserve my body heat. AND to hold my tissues."

"But you'll be in bed. You won't even have to get up, there is a box of tissues right next to you. And during the day, you'll be hot. This is MAUI." (the "you moron" part was left unsaid, but clearly implied.)

"I'm in bed right now - and I'm fucking freezing." Which is totally true - it was ridiculously cold last night.

"I think you should start wearing sweatbands on your wrists, and stick tissues in those." Now he was making fun of me. Asshole. But it was actually a good idea. I'll probably need sweatbands for my "Silver Sneakers" class at the gym. Sweatbands were dutifully added to my shopping list.