Monday, February 8, 2010

Where's the whores at? Costco, it turns out. Oh, and Ace Hardware.

I had to go to Costco yesterday. Since the Super Bowl was already underway, I figured I had a pretty good shot of getting in and out of there in a reasonable amount of time. But as soon as I pulled into the parking lot, I realized that I was sadly mistaken.

A plane must have just landed.

I have used this phrase before, and I means what I says. Costco is located directly outside of the entrance to the airport on Maui. What that means is, everyone gets into their rental car and goes directly to Costco to buy everything necessary for 3 months in the wilderness. They walk around the store slowly, arguing about whether they should buy the rum AND the tequila, filling their carts with booze and snack food, some of them pulling suitcases because they read in a guidebook not to leave anything in their rental car. And then they load up their SUVs and Mustang Convertibles and minivans, and head off into the sunset - with their GPS directing them to their condo.

It's pretty gross, to be honest.

Costco is just a microcosm of America Unfiltered. It's like "People of Walmart" only it's Costco-sized. The aisles are jammed, the lines are long, the tourists are sweaty and pale or sunburned depending on how long they have been here. The locals are patient, tolerant, grateful for the tourism dollars....but at the same time, we'd just like to buy our groceries and get home in time for dinner, or our night shift, or the soccer game. And in it's role as a microcosm of America, there is a bunch of OTHER stuff going on at Costco besides sad amounts of products made out of corn and plastic. You will see the haves and have nots. People paying with foodstamps, and people paying with a platinum American Express. And in the parking lot, the world's oldest profession is alive and well.

If you are looking for a hooker, I have been told by multiple sources that one can be found in the corner of the Costco parking lot. And at Ace Hardware, according to a friend with personal experience in that department.

I myself don't PERSONALLY know this to be true, but it is repeated as fact around these parts. So trust me when I tell you, I took a hard look around the parking lot as I was cruising for a spot. I didn't see any whores. I saw a bunch of husbands who were pissed that their wives booked their flights on the day of the superbowl. I saw a bunch of wives pissed that their husbands were being such pussies. I saw a bunch of people trying to, you know, DRIVE.....but they were greatly hindered by the people who seemed completely oblivious to the fact that they were A. in the middle of a parking lot and B. not the only people on the face of the earth.

I know, it is a hard concept to embrace, sharing the world with others......and trust me, while you are moseying down the center of the aisle smoking a cigarette and talking on the phone and pushing a cart the size of a Volkswagon, everyone around you is aware of both your presence, and your selfabsorption. And it takes a mighty will indeed to not hit the gas pedal, and then blame the Toyota corporation.

But back to the whores. I didn't see any, and I certainly would NOT go around asking women in the Costco parking lot if they were, indeed, willing to accept money for sexual favors. Because I am going to bet that some husband fresh off the plane from Arizona will beat you to within an inch of  your life, and then his wife will run you over with her grocery cart, before toddling off to buy a handle of vodka and two jugs of cranberry juice so she can enjoy a nice cosmo just like those girls in Sex and the City. They weren't whores either.

1 comment:

Brahm said...

Okay, I am not really a costco shopper, or at least a frequent one (big crowds freak me out), and I gotta say - holy crap, whodathunk this? I know people say that you can get everything at costco, so apparently that is true!

Still not going by the way!

Fun blog, is my first time here, will be back, and am now stalking, er following, you!