Monday, October 26, 2009

In which I narrowly escape death (or at least, a very serious accident) in three separate incidents, during the course of a single day.

Today, like every day lately, I am little on edge. And I had stuff to do (as mamas always do) and so I hopped in the littlest Mini Cooper (aka Henny) and buzzed off to town.

Lucy was my wingman, she needed the follow-up set of immunizations, and so we had a First Thing In The A.M. appointment - the one that takes place before the moms who have been up all night have a chance to get to the pediatrician's office. It is my appointment time of choice, only because the room has been recently decontaminated and not yet is but a brief respite to be sure, and one I try to take advantage of.

We zip in, wait a few minutes longer then I appreciated, which allowed for Lucy to get herself into QUITE a lather over the impending shot-getting. And then we had to hang out in the actual immunization room, while we got the doctor's approval to receive the immunizations despite Lulu's stuffy nose.  Eventually, we were approved and the shots were given and received and then we made for the exit.

All buckled in and ready to go, we backed out of the parking space.

Now, I was going fairly slowly. What's the rush ? Clear day, plenty of time, nothing else planned for the morning. Lucy was chattering away about the post-shot smoothie I had promised, and we were parked next to a curb so I was trying to determine whether I had cleared said curb and could turn my wheel. And I looked, from the rear window to the side window to estimate my distance..and then glanced back out my rear window, which was quite suddenly COMPLETELY FILLED with the tailgate of a Chevy pickup.

Oh my heart.

Oh my stars.

Oh my brand new car.

Brakes. Searching for first gear on my new gearbox which still has a few kinks to work out. Finally finding first, pulling forward, only to see that the truck has also pulled forward, back into their space. So I reversed again, and slowly began to back out - all eyes on the truck at this point. And just as I was about to turn the wheel - at pretty much the exact same place as before - the truck's reverse lights came on and the truck was once again heading my way.


I tell you, I damn near burst an artery.

The truck stopped then pulled forward, I continued to back up. Rattled, I drove to the mall and parked. I pulled through so I was facing out of my parking space and would not need to reverse because really, I was all set with reverse for the day.

We walked around, Lucy drank her smoothie, and I wished desperately that mine had vodka in it. I settled my nerves with some fresh air and fruity goodness. Back at home we had a nice time watching PBS on the computer and having snacks.

And then we got back in the car because apparently, we really had to deal with Halloween costumes today.


So we picked up Max from school, and headed back down the hill. About a mile from my house I spotted a pickup truck headed for me. (What is it with me and the pickup trucks ? I hate them. If I'm not wrecking mine, someone else is trying to wreck theirs.) This pickup truck seemed to be going a little quickly for the winding road we were approaching each other on. And then, suddenly, the two tall cabinets standing up (and apparently unsecured) in the back of this truck began to sway. As the driver came around the last bend and was about to pass me, the cabinets came flying out of the back of the truck.

It was very slo-mo action flick style (at least in my head).

I saw the glass of the cabinet shatter as it hit the asphalt. I saw my car reflected in the mirrored shelves. I saw the wood break apart. For the record, it was an UGLY cabinet. But I digress.

As I stomped on the gas and gunned past, I watched through my windshield, then my window, and finally in my rear view mirror as first one and then the other cabinet, in this graceful kaleidoscope, almost ballet-like, tumbled and slid, and missed the side of my car - and my precious son's head within - by inches.......if that.

When I became aware of my surroundings again, and peeled my eyes off the detritous in the road behind me, I realized that I was laying on the horn. God knows how long I had been honking - but my fist was planted there and the RPMS were above 4 and the engine was whining and everything just slid into focus and I took my hand off the horn and shifted gears and thought.......what the fucking fuck.

And then we got to town and I was rattled and I parked. And while unbuckling my seatbelt, like some sort of horrible Groundhog Day, I looked up and saw someone backing into me again - this time into the front of my car. Which was parked. IN a parking spot and everything. I swear.

I am now in the market for a chauffeur. I need a professional driver for all of my errand running and trips to the gym and to drop off and retrieve the kids from their various schools and activities. I have absolutely no interest in leaving my house again, unless I am in some sort of armored vehicle that beeps and has some flashing lights and a police escort if possible. Or maybe I just need to take some Prozac already.

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