Simplifying by making it complicated

An addendum, at the beginning......
Providing the perfect "in real time" example. Earlier this afternoon, my husband had gone to the hardware store. I asked him to get me something sweet, while he was out. A few moments ago, I went to get a drink (having forgotten my earlier request) and was annoyed.......there was a grocery bag in my fridge, and now my refrigerator was all cluttery (whine) and the bag was flapping (whine whine) and it was annoying me. (whiiiiiiine). After asking him what in the hell was in that grocery bag on the top shelf, and hearing that it was "for me" I investigated....and gasped in delight. The man (the darling, wonderful man) had come back with a Red Velvet Cake. Just for me. And stashed it on the top shelf of the fridge. Oh I love me some red velvet cake. And then he whipped out a Dove chocolate bar and I swooned.


However.


In addition to being incredibly thrilled, and very touched by his thoughtfulness, I also had to wonder "Was that cake on sale? How about the chocolate? He shouldn't have spent so much. I should have told him I only needed a small pack of m&ms. Maybe I can return it tomorrow and just tell him I ate the whole thing for breakfast. I must have made too big a fuss about my day at work, and he thought I was angling for something special. I'm an ass. Poor Sami, however does he put up with me......."


Because THAT, ladies and gentleman, is how my brain works. Yes, I am insane. Clearly. Let's get back to the original post that I wrote while he was at the store buying me several special somethings. Aaaaaand....action.

After my last post, I sat here and stewed for a bit.

Yes, I definitely need a break. Yes, I definitely need a few days alone to eat when I am hungry and sleep when I am sleepy and be quiet when I want to be quiet and get up off my ass and do something when I want something to do. I am tired of living my entire life based on other people's needs, and feeling guilty every time I do something for myself. Because I do. Feel guilty, that is. Every time I go out to eat with the girls or buy myself something or get my nails done or anything else that is just for me and is not for the greater good and won't benefit anyone else now or in the future, I feel guilty. And miserable. And stressed out. But it's not just that. I can't quite put my finger on it.

What exactly IS it that is chapping my ass? Why can't I just freaking RELAX and enjoy my awesome life and amazing family?

People who know me will say I invite - nay, create - a certain amount of chaos in my life. And undoubtably this is so. But I am who I am, and it is what it is, and if I create chaos then dammit, I gotta learn to thrive in chaos. To celebrate it.

I don't see that happening.

But if I am to come to terms with my life......it HAS to happen. Because life as I know it is slightly controlled, but basically fast and loose. And chaotic. And if I want to continue to move forward in my life, to change and evolve and grow and become even more of who I think I am supposed to be......it's gonna involve more craziness - not less. Which may lead to trouble down the line, because I come from a long line of crazy. And who will benefit from all of this madness ? You, gentle reader. Just think of all the blog fodder an even more extreme version of Daffodil Campbell would rain down on this here blog.

Oh Baby.