That GD children's librarian is out to get me.

She keeps booking musical acts for story time. I have no idea why. We attend story time for the STORIES. The shorter and more entertaining, the better.

Lucy loves story time. Lucy does *not* love loud musical sing-alongs with a large group of strangers in a very small space.

Introducing today's entertainment: Uncle Wayne. I can't stand Uncle Wayne. I'm sorry, I just can't. It's not the mullet, or the folksy attitude, or the guitar, or the lyrics.....it's just the whole thing put together in one package that makes me want to run for the hills.

So today, when Uncle Wayne was going to be performing at the local library, we stayed home. We still went to the library, of course, just after all the chaos had been resolved, the instruments put away, the crowds dispersed.

A librarian walked up, caught my eye, and mouthed "You missed Uncle Wayne !" I looked her right in the eye, smiled, and said "We sure did ! On purpose !" She smiled with understanding, and walked away. Whew.

And then, while we were in a corner, looking at books on the rolling carts, that damned children's librarian walked up. "Oh ! I didn't see you earlier ! Were you here before?" I looked up - panicked, made eye contact with her, and slowly shook my head and waved my hand back and forth across my throat in the universal sign for "CUT !", signalling that we stop talking about this IMMEDIATELY. She looked at me, nodded in what I thought was solidarity, and then continued in her sing-songy, dumbing down to kids tone of voice. "You missed STORYTIME today ! We had UNCLE WAYNE here."

FUCK.

I have a few things to say.

1. If a child has missed a special event, and it is over, and there is no chance of seeing it later, or recreating the event, then for god's sake don't bring it up.

2. If a mother sends a very clear signal to change the subject, CHANGE IT.

3. If someone who is usually at story time every week mysteriously shows up exactly 30 minutes AFTER story time has ended, chances are good that it was either 1. on purpose or 2. due to an unavoidable delay, and the child is either unaware, or has already made peace with it. Don't get involved, and don't open your mouth.

And for the love of god, please do not talk to my child as if she is a moron. You don't need to bring your voice up an octave, or ask stupid questions, or give her candy or toys to get her attention. Talk to my kid like you would talk to any other person. Any other ADULT person. Because she's going to be an adult eventually, so she might as well start talking the talk sooner rather then later.