Friday, March 13, 2009

Boys are weird

I have been having weird experiences with boys all afternoon, and I am puzzled as to how boys can evolve from total morons to reasonably acceptable adult males. (I mean, at least some of them do. Not all, of course - but some.)

First let's start with my son. He is a sweet, sweet boy. He is also a charmer. AND a total and complete schmuck. Can I say that ? I mean, I have other words in mind, but I settled on schmuck because it encompasses the range of moronic crap he can pull down.

For instance: I told him he had to pick up his room before we went to get his friend for a sleepover. This is his first-ever sleepover at our house with a friend from school. He went into his room. He came out of his room. He said his room was clean.

I went into his room, and i am not kidding you, there were piles of crap E V E R Y W H E R E. Everywhere. Dirty laundry, clean laundry, books, toys, legos, stuffed animals, action figures, tinker toys, lincoln logs, the list goes on and on. I looked at his room, then I looked at him.

"How is THIS clean?"
"What do you want me to do?"
"Clean your damn room, that is what I want you to do - are you KIDDING ME? You must be kidding me."
(sigh) "all RIGHT, all RIGHT mom, I'll clean my room."

20 minutes later, his room was once again pronounced "clean".

Are you surprised that the piles of crap were still there? I have to admit, I was surprised. I gave him more credit then he deserved. SO this time, I got down on the floor, and pointed to every individual thing that needed to be picked up. "Let me explain it to you like this, Max. I don't want anything on your floor except furniture. You get me? The next time you call me in here, everything better be off the floor. Because this is your last chance to clean your room by yourself. Next time, everything is going in a trashbag. I'm serious."

(I should insert here that I freely acknowledge that I am a slob. My laundry is never put away. There is usually stuff on my floor. Yes, I am a hypocrite. But I am trying to teach him better habits then I have - like putting away laundry and putting dirty clothes in the hamper, and putting away his crap so I can actually vacuum in there without breaking my vacuum.)

Eventually, he got his room relatively clean, and we went to get his friend. As we approached his friend's house, I spotted our sleepover buddy in his front yard, swinging a plastic grocery bag around and around over his head - until it broke and all of his belongings went flying everywhere. He was jumping up and down and screaming and hooting, right up until he threw his underpants into the back of his dad's pickup truck. I swear to you, I almost kept on driving, had Max not gone ahead and opened the car door while the vehicle was still in motion.

It is now 9:30pm. They are in Max's room, and to their credit, they ARE being quiet. But they are still awake, and GOD KNOWS what they are up to in there because (and I don't think I have mentioned this yet) Boys are Gross.

They are probably showing each other their private bits and having fart contests and picking their noses and wiping the boogers on the sheets, or on the underside of the bed for me to deal with later.

But while gross, at least they aren't menaces - like the other two boys in this neighborhood, who have slingshots and BB Guns, and have taken to sneaking onto our property to try to lure our dog out into the street where they attempt to either hit him with something fired from one of their assorted weapons, OR engage the dog in a dog fight with another neighbor's pet german shepard, who is probably 12 years old and can barely stand up any more. Trust me, they wish they had a better selection of dogs to choose from, but all they have around these parts is our GDD the Happy Humper, and the senior citizen across the way. Regardless, they are doing their damndest to stir up trouble, and I am at a loss. These boys just have a meaness in their hearts that will lead to all sorts of terrible behaviors, probably criminal, if someone doesn't step up and fucking PARENT them in the near future. And by parent, I mean at least requiring that they keep the BB Guns at home unless a parent is with them. Or maybe, stay within eyesight of their homes when wandering the neighborhood with a slingshot. I mean honestly, in a small, residential neighborhood, what good can come of having a slingshot or BB Gun? I caught one of these little shits climbing the stairs to my deck this afternoon, softly calling my dog in their sweetest voice. I am sure that kid was mighty surprised when I appeared at the top of the stairs and asked him WHY he was calling my dog. Had to repeat the question before he would answer - and then his only explaination was "We wanted to play with him." Yeah. Right. Go play with yourself, asshole.

1 comment:

derfina said...

So THAT'S what they do when they run out of flies to pull the wings off of, eh?