Saturday, December 6, 2008

A vacation pause, and a reality check

I sort of, well, stopped taking my Prozac recently. Yeah. Probably not the bestest idea.

So while I was driving along the other day, and it was 2 in the afternoon and the sun appeared to be setting already, and it was all cold and gray out, I realized "Oh. See. THIS is why I was depressed the whole time I lived here." I mean, I didn't want to drive my car off a bridge or anything, but there was definitely some hyperventilating and blurry vision and "Oh My God what if I'm seriously losing it" moments.

Over the past few days, things have become more challenging. It's not that I am forgetful, per se, but that I just can't pull my head out of my ass, no matter how hard I try. Even if I brace myself against the banister, and pull with all of my might, it is so firmly lodged that I can barely see the light of day. It's funny, because I thought I felt like that because I was ON the Prozac. Turns out I am just LIKE THAT naturally, and the Prozac actually makes me a little LESS like that. Or maybe still like that, but I just don't care as much ? Or I am too sleepy to notice. Whatever. Either way.

But lately, I am really feeling, um, disoriented. For instance, I can't keep track of my phone. Or my keys. Or the time.

Last night, at 8pm, I realized my children had not eaten dinner. So I decided to take them out. And where did I take them for a nice family meal ? The Foxwoods Casino. Oh yes I did - and I was getting some PRETTY STRANGE LOOKS as we wandered through at 9, and again at 10:30. And the restaurant - a fancy-pants steakhouse - was not amused when I showed up with two sleepy, hungry children. But they perked up considerably when I ordered the surf and turf - yet another sign of my deterioration. Who exactly is going to PAY for that surf and turf you ask ? Good Question. I will have to get back to you on that. In the meantime let's just say AMEX.

But you know, it doesn't just end there, with the poor judgement and impulsive spending.....oh no.

Today I actually got out of the car, and headed inside...and the car was still running. I only noticed because I reached for my keys to lock the car as I stepped inside the house - and realized they were in the ignition. Seriously, was I not programmed to automatically lock my car, it would have stayed out there, running, until someone stole it or it ran out of gas.

Tonight I discovered that my cellphone is gone. G.O.N.E. And I am traveling. With 2 small children. Alone. In a rental car. And working remotely. I really do actually need that phone.

Now, I know that you are saying "Listen. Ten years ago, you got by JUST FINE without a cellphone. You will survive." And the answer to that is no. No I will not. I absolutely will not. I need my cellphone. It makes me feel safe. It makes me feel less isolated. It is my connection to the rest of the world and I FUCKING NEED IT OK ?!


So, I have to find my phone. I called it, of course. And it rings and rings which is good, because that means that where ever it IS, it's on. And ringing, apparently. So now I just have to call it, incessantly, until someone answers it or the battery dies. Any bets on which comes first ?

1 comment:

derfina said...

I think it's the weather, because I have been JUST like this all month!