We have a pretty tight marriage.
I still make an effort to keep things interesting and embrace my devoted wifedom, he still looks like a rock star and treats me like a queen, and we are happy in our own little corner of the universe.
But GOD HELP YOU if you try to come between us.
Since the beginning of our relationship, he has played music. And I love it. Have I mentioned that I have a thing for bass players? Because I totally have a thing for bass players. And when I married one I wanted to grab the microphone during the reception and scream "See that hot guy playing bass? MINE. Sorry ladies, put your panties back on. Gramma, I'm looking at you." Because of course his band played at our wedding reception......WHY WOULDN'T THEY?
Which leads me to the band thing.
See, he's always played music, and occasionally been in a band, and even less occasionally that band has played out in public. And the only thing I had to worry about was making sure that the minute he got offstage, I paid close attention to his (ahem) fans.
Because there is a bass whore in every bar. Also lead singer, guitarist and drummer whores - but I was only concerned about the ones trying to lock eyes with my husband whilst grinding away to his bass line, so that they could share a moment where his music was really speaking to them.
You dig? Oh honey, it happens more than you realize. The number of middle-aged women I have had to escort from the edge of the stage - where they were pulling back their Maidenforms and begging for an autograph on their cleavage - back to a table of wildly giggling co-conspirators would Blow Your Mind.
My point is, the only time I ever had to really keep an eye on things was when he was in a bar, late at night, playing music for a motley crew of groupies. And I was never really that worried. This is not the A-list crowd. This is the "Hey, live music with no cover - let's go THERE!" crowd. Practices have never been my concern - they are usually comprised of a few guys in someone's basement for a couple of hours once a week. No major time commitment, and very few gigs. All was good.
But the times, they are a changing.
The guys have found themselves a new lead singer. And she's coming to practice tonight.
The queen is not pleased with this turn of events.
"Do you have a problem with this?" he asked me the other day.
And while my instinct was telling me to play it cool, I was surprised to hear myself say "If I said I didn't, I would be lying."
Most people do not intend to have feelings for someone other than their spouse. And I see no need to go looking for trouble. I don't think that spending every Friday night hanging out with some chick is something I really want him doing.
"But there will be other guys there."
So it will be a bunch of guys, competing to see who can get her attention. Excellent. I might as well send you off in a tshirt that say "May the best man win". Because let's be honest. We are not that far evolved from the apes. You get a bunch of guys sitting around playing instruments for a woman in a small space, and there is bound to be some tension. Throw in a ride home, and a night checking out local venues, a few songwriting sessions and BAM - we have a situation far more dangerous than some drunk chick trying to climb onstage.
What, am I really the only person to think this?
Well, okay. I am okay with that.
And ladies, you can take your Sharpie pen and shove it where the sun don't shine. Consider your colon autographed.
1 hour ago