Tuesday, February 15, 2011

And then he unzipped his pants and the rest is history

I was just reflecting again upon my concerns last week that by leaving my job at the bar, I might not have anything to write about.

I must have been out of my ever-loving mind, because JUST THIS WEEKEND I saw a strange man's penis, shoved a fistful of 20's down the front of a woman's dress, showed my ass to an entire bar armed with all manner of recording devices, and walked a beach with a nip of vodka in one hand and a can of tomato juice in the other because really, who has the energy to mix a bloody mary in the heat of the day.

After a night of sushi and razzle dazzle and chocolate martinis (which upon reflection may not have been the best combo) I took a few hours to recover. The fact that I "recovered" by walking a farmers market in the heat of a Hawaiian mid-day was also a poor choice, but my decision-making skills were rivaling George W. "The Decider" Bush's this weekend.

So after waking far too early, and then walking in the sun without hydration for an hour, and then spending the afternoon eating stuffed chiles and chugging sipping sangria, I had to go home and pull myself together for "The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly" - a now-legendary tattoo contest sponsored by the derby team.

In the role of MC, my job was to keep it light, keep it moving, and keep them staring at my tits. (I made up that last part of the job requirement CAUSE IT JUST COMES NATURAL, YO.) We were cruising through the evening, the more serious contests spread between lightening rounds where I would scream things like "SHOW ME YOUR PUSSY!" and then whoever could show me a cat tattoo first would get a prize. I was having a fine old time, still more hungover than drunk, when it came time for the sexiest  tattoo contest.

Our first contestant was extremely enthusiastic. Sporting a blond fauxhawk and skinny jeans, this flamboyent gent leaped right up on stage. "I have one, I have one!" he squealed, and immediately began to unbutton his pants, revealing a very VERY small white bikini, decorated with teeny tiny shirt buttons that may or may not have opened into a fly. I just can't quite recall at this time. "It's a scorpio sign!" I turned back to the crowd and repeateded solemnly "He has a tattoo of his.....wait...what was it y-"  I turned back toward him, bend over slightly to look at his stomach. I froze, finding myself face to face with his genitalia, surrounded by stubble from a recent shave. Or waxing, as the case may be. I didn't think to ask. In fact, I couldn't think of anything to say except "Whoofah!"

There he was, with a stupid grin, like the bat-shit crazy-queen that he was. "It's a scorpio sign? Like Astrology? I'm a scorpio!" I half expected him to jump up and down and clap with glee. But it would have been hard to clap, because his hands were holding his underwear down around his thighs, revealing most - if not all - of his groin and the parts that reside there. He made a hissing noise, then directed a clawing motion towards me, for emphasis. I flinched.

The girls went wild. The bar erupted with hoots and hollers as the flashes went off all around. I stood up quickly, and turned back to the crowd. "Wowzers! How 'bout THAT? I do believe that we indeed have a weiner. I mean, winner!" I looked to my teammates for support and agreement. Mostly I just wanted to give this guy a prize so he would stop showing us his.....tattoo.

Rather than being shocked that the man had just shown the entire bar at least half of his penis, the girls were all cackling with glee "I can't believe it - he actually made her BLUSH" "She's flustered! Have you ever SEEN her flustered?"

Har Har Hardee Har. I gave the guy his prize, but I simply refused to shake his hand.

No comments: