Not a chance in hell

I have made myself perfectly clear. I don't mind giving people rides when I choose to do so. I do not like being forced or guilted into it. I have no problem with hitchhikers, and I actually pick them up quite frequently. I think it comes from the years I lived in the Caribbean on a small island where hitchhiking was the preferred mode of transportation.

But I have standards. Here, for the uninitiated, the naive, the self-centered, and the oblivious:
Rules for Getting a Ride

Put a shirt on. A clean one. And shoes. Deodorant is almost too much to hope for, so I'll cut you some slack - I know it's hot out there. But I don't pick up half-naked strangers on the side of the road, despite the fact that I have been there. I can sympathize, but you're not getting in my car like that.

I don't want to give your dog a ride. Sorry, man. If I had a pickup, I would be down with it. But I don't. So don't glare at me for passing you and your four legged friend, there. Sure, he's a service animal. Of course he is. He still isn't getting in my car.

I am not picking up all 6 of you. Spread out along the road. Don't all run at my car at once like a pack of wild animals.

If you have a baby, you better have a car seat. Yes, it's a hassle to carry a car seat around, but it is also illegal to have a kid in a car without one. You probably don't know that, since you don't have a car.

Put down the beer. I am not driving around someone who is drunk and may or may not puke in my car. I am definitely not driving someone with an open container. It's illegal. I get it - you don't have a car, how would you know. Well, now you do. No Road Soda. Sorry.

If you have a lot of stuff, you should have arranged for a ride, not counted on the kindness of strangers. I'm not helping you move. If it takes more than one trip to get your shit into my car, I will drive off - with half your shit - and leave you behind.

And lastly - if someone doesn't stop to give you a ride, don't give 'em stink eye. They may be approaching their destination. They may have a carload of their own crap. The backseat may be filled with carseats and the front seat filled with food and other necessities that they can't leave the house without. In fact, that's why I have a fucking car. To get me, and my shit, from Point A to Point B. It's pretty convenient, actually. You should totally give it a try.