Like a punch to the gut

I am not exactly sure how much I have shared here about our adventures in infertility.

The process of becoming parents was not an easy one.

And the challenges continue, apparently.

Today, while I was squatting on my kitchen floor scrubbing the burner grills in a bucket (which was, granted, a vulnerable position) Lucy came into the kitchen and asked me a few questions. When she left the kitchen 5 minutes later, I was sitting on the floor taking deep breaths and trying to hold it together.

It is amazing to me that a 5 year old could slay me so thoroughly. Could leave me spinning and grasping for straws, trying to piece together an explaination that was honest and would stand the test of time - but was simple enough for her to understand.

I thought I had already covered this with her. I thought it was all clear and understood and accepted.

But when my daughter asked if I had bought her from somewhere........well........I hadn't expected that.

The fact is, no money was exchanged. So it was simple enough - once I had stopped choking - to answer that. No, I did not buy you somewhere. You know that.

Max didn't grow in your belly, did he? The question was asked with a searching look. Eyes locked on mine. Waiting for an answer that I was afraid would break. her. heart.

Yes, yes he did. It was very hard, and it took a lot of medicine, and a lot of doctors, and I had big black bruises on my tummy, and daddy had to give me shots every day, and I had to be in the hospital part of the time and I was very very sick before and after he grew there. But yes, I did grow him in my belly.

So why, then, why did I not grow in your belly? It was a simple question. And the answer is not so simple. The answer is I. don't. know. I did all the same things, used the same needles and the same medicine and went to the hospital and tried so hard SO FUCKING HARD and you could not grow there. And my heart was as broken as my belly, baby, when you couldn't. Broken. I was broken all over, bruises bigger then those massive black ones on my belly and my legs and my arms.

So you just picked me up somewhere? No sweetie, we didn't, we got the most wonderful phone call a mommy and a daddy could ever get, and we went to the hospital and held you and looked at all of your little fingers and toes and admired your beautiful blue eyes and your not-so-beautiful rashy skin and we sat there and stared and shook our heads in amazement that it could be so simple and so easy and so right, and right then and there you made all of the broken parts of me better.