Monday, July 26, 2010

Beer and sprinklers

I had a plan. I did.

Today had been declared Beer and Sprinkler Day, wherein I would drink beer and the kids would play in the sprinkler.

It would have been great, had it not started to rain. And the wind had not started to blow.
The beer was really good though.

The day wasn't a total loss, however. Earlier, we made a quick trip to town, visiting Walmart and, of course, mecca (aka Whole Foods) in order to get the necessary supplies. Walmart makes me feel shitty. Kind of the polar opposite of the beauty of Whole Foods. Everyone looks sort of green under the flourescent lights, it smells weird, like chemicals and plastic and laundry detergent, and everything just seems kind of.....yucky.

But I needed new sunblock and Max was buying some LEGOs. What's a girl gonna do. She's gotta go to the Walmart.

With the LEGOs chosen and placed reverently in the cart, we went over to review our options for sun protection. Sprays, mists, creams, tubes and bottles......we were there for a while. As I stood in the aisle reading packages, I realized that the woman next to me was cracking open one bottle of the store brand moisturizer after another, pumping a few squirts of cream into her hand, rubbing it in to her body - first her hands, then her forearms and up to her elbows, eventually working her way slowly up her arms to her shoulders. Totally slow and methodical and creepy.

The first time she did it, I thought it was a sample bottle. Then I watched her squirt lotion all over the outside of the bottle while she seemed to be holding down and twisting the pump, as though she was going to close the bottle and just put it back on the shelf. She proceed to wipe it off the bottle with her hands, twisting her fingers around the neck of the bottle and wiping the lotion off the sides, rubbing it all into her skin.

Grooooossssssssssss.

I stood there in horror. I mean, I am pretty sure that breaks every health code EVER, and that this woman was indeed the REASON WE NEED HEALTH CODES. Because while to you and to me it seems obvious that you do not open random bottles, use the contents, and then seal them up to be sold to someone else, apparently that is not a universal code of conduct vis a vis health and beauty products.

Then she gathered up two or three bottles of lotion, and walk away with them.

"That is fucking WEIRD" I thought to myself. "What the hell does she need with all of that crappy lotion?"

But before I could complete the thought, SHE WAS BACK. And SHE DID IT AGAIN. I swear to god. It was so outrageous, I was looking for the hidden camera and the giggling TV host. There she was, opening a bottle of the store brand lotion, pumping some into her hand, rubbing it all over her hands and arms, and then pressing down, squirting lotion everywhere, and closing the bottle. And then she picked up THAT bottle of lotion..........which is when we made eye contact.

I can't honestly say whether my look was horror or disgust or confusion - I had no idea what was going on and frankly, I didn't think I wanted to know. All I can say is, that was a shit-ton of lotion that she applied to her arms in the aisle of Walmart, so she must have some really dry skin.

We decided that I didn't need any nasty Walmart sunblock - we hightailed it out of there and made a beeline for Whole Foods, where I wandered the aisles smelling the pretty smells and admiring the fanciness of it all and basically trying to purge the Walmart experience from my psyche.
Then I bought a bunch of lunch meat, and went home to sit under the sprinkler and drink beer in cut offs and a tank top. See, while I like to pretend that Walmart creeps me out, I guess we all know that deep down inside it fulfills a certain weird and twisted purpose. As long as I am not smearing myself with lotion in the aisles of my local box store retailer, I am doing all right.

1 comment:

Jamiel said...

Interesting story..
Maybe she alergy to the sun..
Just jocking..
I hope that my wife did't follow the ladies habit..
what a waste..