That little voice

Sometimes you have to be very close to the edge, very close indeed, to get some perspective.

The past few days have been spent online, basically around the clock - I mean, what ELSE is there to do at 1am ? I have been reading and reading and reading and my kids have been sitting around staring at me during their waking hours as I encourage them to stay as far away from me as possible, and simultaneously hack into a paper towel.

Sweet. Nice visual.

But of course, as children are wont to do, the sicker I got, the more they wanted to snuggle, and hug and kiss and chatter endlessly trying to cheer me up and entertain me and get me to forget about my troubles for a while.

And as I pulled further into my shell, they pulled back - harder. So I acquiesced.

I lay on the sofa between them, staring through glossy eyes at a series of g-rated movies, dozing off and shuddering awake, and when the medication wore off enough for me to safely drive a car we would take a quick jaunt - to the grocery, or out to get pancakes or some other soft/cold/vitamin packed treat like a smoothie or soup or ice cream.

And in those drives, the cheerful chatter would continue unabated. They probably talked the whole time I was asleep, too.....gently patting my hand or my head (or rubbing my boob because GEEZ I must have breastfed for too long) and murmuring gently in my ear.

And finally in the midst of all the noise and chaos and bickering in the backseat, as we were pulling into the driveway and I was preparing to drag myself back to the couch, I realized something.

Thank GOD for these kids.

These kids fucking Saved My Life by being born, by being mine, by being in my life every day. That's not drama, and it's not the narcotics talking (the sweet, sweet narcotics that I usually refuse but in this sickness have come to appreciate as they quell my cough and soothe my aching).

They saved me from myself. From being a self-centered loud-mouthed bitch on wheels with a huge infertile chip on her shoulder and a phone attached to her head and a laptop attached to her hip.

So I am just sitting here today being thankful and I don't have a damn thing to say except my kids are definitely my badge of honor, my source of pride.

I Did That. We did. Sami and I did. These amazing kids are OURS and they are AWESOME and I am thankful and grateful and humbled and privileged and honored.

And this weekend, and in the previous weeks, as I retreated to the internet world to read about the lives of others and update my fucking Facebook status every 5 minutes, I was taking time away from THEM.

And I suck.

And I am sorry.

And while I love you internet (O, how I love you, madly, truly, deeply) I love my kids more. While they are in school you can keep me company, but the rest of the time, every moment that I have with them, will be cherished.

Even when they are being little bastards and I want to spray them with the hose.

Because I know that without them, my life would be very different.....and I like my life the way it is, thanks.