No, I wasn't drinking - I'm just not good with the clippers

Max needed a haircut. Badly.

So yesterday I pulled out the clippers and prepared myself for the task at hand. Easy peasy, right ?

I chose my guard for the clippers - not the longest, not the shortest......and got to work. And my son was instantly sporting what can only be described as a bald patch on the left side of his head. While my gut reaction was to shout "Oh fuck I fucked up!" I did not succumb. I just moved forward with confidence, in what turned out to be a never-ending quest to "even things up".

First one side, then the other. Then the back, trying to blend it with the sides. Sweat started to roll down my face. I got the scissors. Snip snip snip. Whoops. Crap. Snipsnipsnip. Fuck. Back to the clippers. Oops, wrong size guard. Shit. OK, now we need to even out some more. FUCK, why does it look like I shaved stripes onto the side of his head? Oh man. This is Not Good. Not good at all.

At this point, I am slowly realizing that my neighbors are congregating in their driveway to watch the show, and in fact, inspired by my efforts one of the neighbors is ALSO getting a haircut.

"It must be haircut day !" the competing stylist called over the fence.

Ummm. Yeah. Notsomuch.

OK, focus. At least try to get the sides even. OK, well, bald is even. Let's go with that.

Now the top. Hm. Should I use the clippers, or just trim it with scissors. Let's face it, he's going to look like an ass for at least a week regardless. Does it really matter ? Let's just try to blend it a little bit over - OUCH FUCK OUCH Cut myself with the scissors. Fuck, this is so not okay.

You know what, screw this. This little project will be filed under "Epic Fail" any, so let's just pack it in and go get a bandaid. And maybe a tourniquet - those scissors are sharp little suckers.

The results: He looks like Chunk from the Goonies, I need a tetanus shot, and the entire yard is covered in hair.

That was yesterday. This morning we put a bunch of gel in there, and spiked it all up. He was thrilled. Obviously, he can't see the bald spots. He went skipping off to school, anxious to surprise everyone with his new 'do.

"Hey, Mr. G. ! Check it out ! I got a mohawk !"

"How 'bout that Max ! Who did that to you ? I mean, where did you get your hair cut ?"

"My mom did it yesterday after school ! Pretty cool, huh ?!"

"Oh yeah, very cool. Tell me - did your mother have a few glasses of wine first ?"

As my friend Jen reassured me when she heard the story: "Your reputation precedes you."