Monday, November 17, 2008


Sorry, my recent posts have been just nothing but lame. You are so kind to return and give me another chance.

I was going to post yesterday, but instead I packed 6 suitcases full of winter clothes - all that I have left to add is underwear. Yesterday was traumatic, in that it was the first time I have tried on my winter clothes in a Very Long Time. I know on the mainland, there was always the dreaded moment when you had to try on your summer clothes, after 8 months of hiatus, and see just what a winter full of Ben and Jerrys and Starbucks had done to your ass. This was kind of like that.

I have tried and tried to come up with a different, less offensive phrase then camel toe, but man, that's really the gold standard description for what I saw when I put on my winter pants.

Oh. My. God. I had to drink two eggnogs loaded with Meyers Dark before I could move forward.

First, my ass is much bigger then it used to be, apparently. So everything gets all bunched up above my ass, instead of sitting nicely on my hips (while my ass is large, it is also PERKY, which is nice, I guess.....but it totally fucks up where my clothes sit.)

I also, apparently, have developed a pooch. Again, it's a perky pooch, located immediately below my waist, leaving the impression that I may or may not be several months pregnant. I am SO NOT PREGNANT, and that is not a look I wish to cultivate or promote.

So with everything straining at the buttons, and bunched up around my waist, the natural result is that it is also pulled way up my ass crack, and um, in front - if you know what I mean. Painful to look at, painful to experience, let me tell you.

So I have come up with 2 skirts and 2 pairs of jeans that seem to fit OK - all of my beloved wool pants have officially shit the bit. Ebay here I come.

On to long sleeve shirts. I own 3. Three shirts with long sleeves. Total. Last night, after much huffing and digging through baskets, I came up with a fourth. That should hold me for 3 weeks. Thank goodness I have PLENTY of sweaters. So that is all good.

All that is left to do now is my customary packing, unpacking, repacking ritual, to make sure I have remembered everything. As my mother keeps reminding me, they have EVERYTHING there, so if I forget something it is really no big deal....but still. That is not the point.

The point is, I am leaving on a 3 week vacation in 3 days, and my head might explode before then. Stay tuned.

1 comment:

derfina said...

ROFL! Go fix you and yer cameltoe another eggnogg and Meyers, Daff!