Aging gracefully

I know I have said this before, but I am going to say it again. I am not graceful.

If you are laughing, shut up.

If you are wondering what the hell I am talking about, you are just going to have to take me at my word. I wear a size 11 shoe, I am loud and vulgar, my legs are never shaved, and I tend to be socially awkward.

However, in the past few months, I have really been trying to age gracefully. So I am doing what I see other women of a certain age doing. For instance: Wearing eye cream. Wait, that is a bad example, because what happened was I *bought* the eye cream, but have yet to put it on. What I AM doing, is I am trying to act my age. And frankly, the amount of effort I have to put forth is a little disheartening. One of the first things that set me off was when a friend (a guy friend, natch) said something about how all of my shirts were "boob shirts".

Now, I would like to state for the record that all of my shirts are NOT boob shirts, he just had a dirty, dirty mind and probably thinks turtlenecks are provocative. But my reaction to his comment took me by surprise: I was mortified. And as we all know, it is pretty hard ot embarrass me, since I do it myself so well, and so often. In years past, if someone said my shirts were all boob shirts, I would have probably flashed them or something. But now....well, I started to be a bit more aware of my outward appearance - the first impression I might be giving people.

I am no spring chicken over here. And my boobs are not really in their prime. When I was 16, and they were brand NEW, they were looking pretty good. Plus, they showed up sort of all of the sudden, so they took people by surprise for a while. But now, they have accomplished their tasks (get hot husband, feed children) and for all intents and purposes, they are more of a detraction then a distraction, if you know what I mean. If I'm going to choose something to flaunt, it's not going to be the twins. (Sorry girls, you served me well.) So I started layering tank tops, buttoning an extra button, making sure the shirts were long enough to cover my bellybutton and my tattoos. Basically, trying to bring up my game. Leave a little something to the imagination.

Another thing I changed was my shorts and skirts and dress lengths. I am now pretty much exclusively knee length or longer. They may be tight - but they cover my thighs. Until last week, when I went into my friend Bethany's store and spotted this really super cute little skirt. Little being the most important word in that sentence. L I T T L E. I showed it to Bethany, and told her I loved it but that I thought it was too short. She said I was being ridiculous, and that I could totally get away with it.

So today, I broke out the skirt for a birthday party. It's not sexy, or tight, it's just really SHORT. So I walked into this party of mommies and first graders, and realized that no, just because I was thin enough to fit into it did not mean it was appropriate. The Other Mommies made that abundantly clear.

It is with great regret that I am going to put this skirt back in my closet, perhaps never to be worn again. It's a cute skirt, but apparently, I am too old for it. And thank goodness I had on conservative underpants, otherwise I would have been flashing the old coochie to all of the 5 year olds and their already disgusted mothers. Short skirts are very complicated. You have to keep your legs together at all times (and I may not have mentioned this, but I am not graceful, or demure - so this was HARD). I now understand why Britney and Lindsey and Paris are constantly flashing their cooters - their skirts are just too damn short.

So here, for what may be the last time - me, in a mini skirt.




Those Were The Days
Mary Hopkins
Music & Lyrics : Gene Raskin

Once upon a time there was a tavern
Where we used to raise a glass or two
Remember how we laughed away the hours
And dreamed of all the great things we would do

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la...
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days

Then the busy years went rushing by us
We lost our starry notions on the way
If by chance I'd see you in the tavern
We'd smile at one another and we'd say

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la...
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days

Just tonight I stood before the tavern
Nothing seemed the way it used to be
In the glass I saw a strange reflection
Was that lonely woman really me

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la...
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days

Through the door there came familiar laughter
I saw your face and heard you call my name
Oh my friend we're older but no wiser
For in our hearts the dreams are still the same

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la...
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days