Friday, April 16, 2010

I'm just not that into me

Well, this is certainly a low point.

I am sitting here listening to my neighbors choke and cough on what I can only assume is mediocre pot they are smoking, amid outbursts of laughter and boisterous conversation. They are having quite a little party over there, but I am definitively not in a partying mood.


I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I am not exactly clear on why, this morning, everything was just fine in the land of Daffodils, and now it is gray and gloomy. But it is. Gray and gloomy and damp. (Better then moist, but not much. God I hate that word.)

This afternoon I went skipping off to another restaurant for yet another "try out". And here is where I started to feel things slipping. Everything felt wrong.
And awkward.

I could go through a whole laundry list of reasons why, examples of the weird wrongness of it all - but I won't bore you with the details, except to say that my simple goal of finding a job that doesn't make me feel bad about myself has not been met. Again. I appreciate that so many of my friends have been quick to pass on news of job opportunities, or to offer moral support when said opportunities didn't pan out, but at this point I think I have to just sit, and wait, and I have to figure out what I want to do first, before I can look for a job. I just haven't had the time yet - I've been too busy following up on leads from friends to actually stop and think about what it is I really want to do.

I am not sure how "unemployed" translated as "desperate" but clearly, I am sending out a "desperate" vibe that is absolutely unintentional.

I am unemployed. I am *not* desperate.

I have food. I have a home. I have health insurance. I have a car.

I do not need to apply for any and every job that comes along. When a friend recommends me for a job, I feel shitty saying no. So I go down there with my resume and feel all awkward and speak to whomever I was told to speak to and they are very nice, and ask me to come in and try it out. And then when the job I didn't really want (but was considering anyway because a friend recommended me) doesn't work out, I feel EVEN SHITTIER. Did I let my friend down? Have I embarrassed them? Do their employers think I am incompetent? Can I not even get hired at a shitty job, with a referral? Is this the best job my friends think I can get? And I can't even get it????

Oh My Fucking God I cannot believe I don't live in a box by now if this is the best I can do.

I would lke a job, yes. Absolutely. And I will find one. I will. I absolutely will.
But not today. Which is why I am sending the kids to bed and having a stiff drink and a smoke.

After all, I don't have to work in the morning.

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