Where have you gone, Daffodil Campbell ?

Good GOD people.

I have been accused of living a chaotic life by design, and I swear to you, that is simply not true.

However, chaos reigns.

First, the car saga. We ended up trading in the truck, and getting the car I wanted, and I don't feel totally and completely screwed, so I guess that is good - right ?

Second, the depression. It's been hard. HARD hard. I think things are getting better. I am coming out of the fog, a bit, and having some clarity with regards to my life, my goals, my priorities......now I just have to clear out the chatter and riff raff. HAH !

Third, and now for something COMPLETELY different. We are bringing home a new foster baby next week. He has a complicated medical history, and will need a lot of extra-special care. I am really looking forward to the opportunity to foster again, and I will be dialing back my level of involvement with other work, in order to focus on the baby, and my family. I think it is going to be good for everyone, frankly. Yes, I will be up at all hours with a newborn again. Yes, he will eventually go home to his parents. Yes, his medical history is complex and the level of care required is very VERY high. But still. And yet. I feel totally prepared, completely ready, and honestly when I foster parent I feel as though I am serving my community in a valuable tangible way. And Sami is a great partner in all of this. He is an amazing father, a supportive partner, and a caring foster parent. The fact that he accepts this part of me, and allows me to fill a need I have that I cannot fully explain, is a sign of the utter faith he has in me. God, I love that man.

Totally Not Totalled

I should rename this blog "Adventures in Car Accidents and the Resulting Post Traumatic Stress" because I am having one HELL of a time this week (Like things were going so smoothly before).

So today, at about 4pm, I was informed that the truck - the one that looked all smashed up and smooshed and totally totalled ? Not so much. They are going to fix it, which is great and all, except that I do not think I can overcome my total paralyzing fear of ever driving that truck again.

Let me try to put into words how completely and totally freaked out I am. I have to take off my black seat covers in my station wagon, because it reminds me of the interior of the truck. I cannot drive through an intersection without flinching and making a little shrieking noise and kind of hunching over. I want to cry every time someone brakes in front of me. If I am driving, I get all white-knuckly and sweaty. If I am the passenger, I grab the "Oh Jesus" handle next to my head, brace my feet, and make that weird shrieky noise again. I drive at about 20 miles an hour, in the right lane, and if anyone gets near me in either direction, even oncoming traffic, I pull over. I refuse to drive at night. I am supposed to go out tomorrow night, and I honestly do not think I can physically make myself do it. I am going to try, very hard, but I just don't know....maybe I can get someone to drive me. Or take a cab. Or walk. I would honestly rather walk, in the rain, in the dark, on a country road, then drive.

So back to the condition of the truck. The truck is definitely NOT totalled. It is at a collision center, that is conveniently located at a car dealership. The car dealership conveniently has an SUV I am interested in. The dealership *might* be willing to work out a trade. HOWEVER. I am feeling very defeated at the moment, so I am not expecting this to work out.

Here's what I prophesize is going to happen.

I believe that I am gong to wait 6 weeks for the damn truck to be repaired, then have to drive it for the next 3-5 years. I will be miserable and bitter, and you will have to hear about it ALL THE TIME.

(i.e. "It was such a beautiful day today, only made less beautiful by the presence of that godawful truck that I am being forced to drive.")
("It would have been a wonderful trip, had we not been riding in that damn truck that I hate.")
("Everything in my life is perfect, except for my vehicle - a truck - which I hate to drive, and hate to ride in and hate to see in my driveway or to have associated with me in any way at all.")

So for all of our sakes, please send lots of positive thoughts my way. Thoughts that involve me being able to trade in a truck that is currently missing it's entire front end, for about what it would be worth had it not been in an accident. Because then all will be right with my world, and I wil be able to think of something besides this ridiculous twist of fate that smacked me right in the face.

Fate.....you fucker.