Wednesday, October 9, 2013

I miss dreaming

I miss dreaming. When (if) I manage to fall asleep these days, sleep is a deep dark place. I don't move. My shoulders are hunched. Even my jaw is clenched into a lock-jaw stillness. I don't relax. Ever.

I certainly don't dream.

In the past few weeks we have tried to get back to our routine. The one from last spring, before our summer of East Coast bliss followed by the early fall tinged with pangs and discomfort and concern followed by a diagnosis.

And now that we are home and Sam is feeling better and I'm not afraid he is leaving me or losing his mind (or both) now that school is rolling along and since the day I decided to tighten the parental controls of the computer in Max's room, we are back to our routine of school, after school, dinner and bedtime..

Pre-parental controls, I was up all night. Hidden in his room with the door closed, (unbeknownst to me) Max was up all night too, both of us waking up late and blurry-eyed. I have to stop right here and say Thank god that boy cannot spell because I don't think he got very far with his searches for "nakid stripers". But I am not tempting the fates. My guess is the pervs aren't always such hot spellers either. In fact, he might have better luck with the MISspelled search words. And so, the parental controls.

Post-parental controls with the auto shut off feature at 9pm, we are all in bed and everyone falls asleep - except me. I lie in bed, and will myself to sleep, but instead of drifting off, I just lie there and worry.

I worry about due dates and deadlines, payments and processing, comings and goings.
I try to remember things that I may or may not have said, things I might have lost, errands I forgot to run.
I hope for a resolution to each concern, so that I might, finally, sleep.

I dream of dreaming.

Right now, everything feels very real. And very real is not very pretty these days. Maybe next week, I keep telling myself. But next week arrives and still, I'm awake.

Maybe it is that so many of my dreams have come true, they are no longer reserved for sleeping hours? And so, what's the point in sleeping at all? More time to feel grateful, I say.

Instead of counting sheep I count my blessings:
Sam, Max, Faith. Sophia, Thomas, Lucy, Kamaile, Kalei, Mano, Dude, Leo, and Evie.
Chapters, each of them, in the book I just finished writing.

If you don't read digital media, you can buy a paperback copy right here  A book tour is being planned, and fun events in Portland, Seattle, Los Angeles, and several New England locations will happen with very little notice, so follow me on facebook  or twitter for updates. xo Thanks for reading.


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