Sunday, May 12, 2013

Surviving Mother's Day: I will find a way or make one. aka The Mother's Day drinking game

I am not much of a holiday girl, aside from Thanksgiving of course - known around these parts as "The Best Holiday Of Them All".

I am terrible at remembering birthdays, I never send cards, my gifts can be weird, and they are always late and unwrapped. We don't have a whole lot of traditions, I don't own any seasonal holiday decor, and I haven't handed out Halloween candy in years. So I am no stranger to sitting by and watching my world flood with greetings and well wishes for holidays I don't really give 2 shits about, or holidays that actually break my heart to celebrate. Thankfully their are very few of those.

Mother's Day used to be one of them.

I would try to find a way to survive the day - usually doing things like sitting in movie theaters or traveling to a foreign country or parking my ass on a bar stool drinking heavily and chain smoking.

I really wanted to be a mother, and for years it didn't happen. And then it did, but I still hated the day, because I didn't feel like I was a good mother, and I was reminded of that with every sappy card and handmade gift that came home from nursery school. And also because the term "Motherfucker" had a whole new meaning, and was lost to me forever.

Over the years, I have relaxed a little bit about Mother's Day. I have realized that there are things that everyone can celebrate - even if they don't have kids - on this most hallowed of Hallmark holidays. You can drink juice, or booze - just don't use a fucking sippy cup.

1. Trunk Space. This can also be called closet space, floor space, or simply "Thank God I don't need all that shit". I know that the siren song of Babies R Us is a powerful drug - but if you can avoid filling your life with all manner of accessories that someone decided to make you feel like you needed in order to have a complete life, well - that shit is worth celebrating. If you have never felt compelled to drop $500 on a car seat/crib/stroller/etc., you should drink to that. If you can open your trunk and see the carpet inside, you get to drink twice. Cheers.

2. For Mature Audiences only. If you can lie in your house and watch whatever the hell you want, whenever the hell you want, and not worry about little pitchers with big ears (whatever the hell THAT means) then BOTTOMS UP MY FRIEND. I am sick and tired of waiting until the kids are asleep before watching a movie where people may or may not have sex. I am tired of shouting "EARMUFFS" while trying to find the mute button. I am tired of diving for the power switch on the car radio when I hear something inappropriate. I am tired of censoring the world around me. I like sex and swearing, dammit.

3. Nutritional Information. I have spent the last 12 years eating junk food in hiding. If my kids caught wind that I had a stash of HoHos in the pantry, it would be over. I only drink soda with booze in it, so I don't have to share. I hide the potato chips behind the pretzels and veggie crisps. Ice cream is served in small dishes for portion control - gone are the days of sitting down with a pint of Ben and Jerry. FML. If you eat what you want when you want it, and don't have to share only to see it spit back out, then kudos.

4. Bedtime. I like to sleep. But more than that, I like to sleep on my own schedule, Of my own free will. Falling asleep while holding a newborn is traumatizing - even if you manage to wake up before you drop the baby, the guilt and fear will eat away at your very soul. The part of your soul that is left after years of sleep deprivation, that is. I am trying to "sleep when the baby sleeps" but it's not working out that well because I have 2 other kids that aren't sleeping at those times, and I also have a job. So sleep is a pretty hot commodity. Sam mentioned having sex the other day and I just laughed at him. If you can lie down right now and nap if you want to, why the hell are you reading this. Drink up, and then pass out. Just like high school.

5. Mom jeans and other travesties. Lately I have been walking around with two wet spots on my chest because someone is always trying to lick my nipples - and not in a good way. If you are wearing clothes that fit, are not covered with someone else's meal, and maybe even match, are way ahead of the game. If you are in heels, better yet. If you are wearing lingerie, bonus points. And if you are not wearing anything with elastic, you are my fucking hero. I'll buy you a bottle of whatever you want.

Okay, there is more, I'm sure. Go ride a motorcycle, take a long hot shower, wear dangly earrings, meditate, road trip, go someplace with lots of stairs and narrow doorways, and remember that Mother's Day can be for everyone. The cool aunts, the fun nanas, the loving children, and the men who think they are fan fucking tastic.

No time to edit this, so mea culpa if it is full of typos and doesn't make any sense. I'm going to try to sleep for a half hour before I go to work and wait on tables of mothers celebrating mother's day with margaritas like the good lord intended.

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