Saturday, March 2, 2013

I need to not be needed

Some people are reading that title and rolling their eyes.

HOWEVER, anyone with small children or a job that necessitates supervising other people or working on call is nodding solemnly.

It would feel so good to not be needed for a little while.

I need a minute. No, more than a minute. More than an hour. More than a day.

I need to turn off the phone and the computer and set my projects and work aside, with an autoresponder and voicemail that say something along the lines of "don't bother waiting for an answer - figure it out for your damn self".

I need to leave my kids and my husband to fend for themselves, keep track of their own menus and schedules and laundry for a while.

I need to not have commitments and responsibilities and people counting on me every minute of every day.

And its okay.
I am here to tell you, all of you, that it is O. K. to need a break. It doesn't mean you are depressed, or unhappy, or even overwhelmed. It just means you need a break. A rest. Respite. (Which has nothing to do with spite, strangely enough). No guilt required. Are you nervous to say it out loud? Nervous to admit that you need some time to yourself? Afraid that people will be offended, or hurt, or think they can't count on you?

No. Be not afraid. It's okay. I am willing to bet that everyone around you knows you need a break too - whether they want you to take one is another story altogether and the entire point of my writing this. If you take that break - if you acknowledge needing a break, and then actually taking it, you will return happier. Clearer. Ready to tackle life, roll with the punches, and keep your head above water. Take the break. Take back control. Take back your life, so that you can feel as though you are sharing it with others rather than just giving it to them. It's okay.

It is okay to dream of having your own bedroom for a night, with no one moving and snoring and mouth breathing next to you. It is okay to lock the bathroom door so that people don't wander in and start asking questions and flushing the toilet while you are in the shower. It is okay to be frustrated because your kid gets a horrible blistering sunburn every time she goes on a playdate, and it's okay to be disgusted because your kid refuses to rinse out the sink after cleaning his braces. It's okay to want to scream because you are trying to do your work during the very limited time you have to do it, and someone else is holding you up because they didn't do their shit yet. It's okay to feel like crying when you run the dishwasher, and then someone runs it again without bothering to check and see if the dishes are already clean. It's okay to be aggravated because no one else washes the laundry, and even more aggravated when they do because they shrink everything in the dryer - and it is definitely okay to be angry when you find a wet moldy load of laundry in the washer that was forgotten for days. It's okay to be pissed off when someone repeatedly asks you when things are happening, or what is going on, even though they have access to the same information you do and could just fucking look it up, or write it down, or put a memo on their phone or something. It's okay to want to bang your head against the wall when you clean the house, or finish a project, and then the next thing you know there are three more things to deal with.

And as hard as it is to keep your own shit together, and by extension you family's shit together, it is so easy for someone to just casually stick a spoke in your wheels and then look at you innocently as you go ass over elbows and land face first.

Today at work someone informed me that tomorrow is Easter, and we had the day off.

I just stood there, blinking.

I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to say. Easter? EASTER? Are you fucking kidding me?

Easter. You are telling me March 3rd, 2013 is Easter.

At first I was panicked. Had I forgotten? I didn't even have any Mini Eggs yet. And then, after confirming that it is absolutely not Easter tomorrow, I almost burst into tears. Frustration? Relief? Hard to say, because people, it is hard enough. Hard enough to keep track of stuff, and stay reasonably organized, and get where you need to be when you need to be there, which necessitates at the very least remembering what freaking day it is - without someone just making shit up like that.

And so, tomorrow - which is not Easter - I am going to do all of the things that I am committed to doing, but in the middle of all of it I am taking a nap. Because I think that maybe I need one. But before that, before ANYTHING, I am going out to buy some fucking Easter candy. Just in case.

1 comment:

Jen said...

I was high-fiving you after reading the title of this post.

This reminded me of a friend who has a baby (I think he's about a year old).. for her birthday last month, she asked for a night in a hotel. She left the baby and her husband and went to the hotel, where she slept, read, and ate room service. Her husband was like "wait, why can't I come??" and she told him it was her time to reconnect with herself.

Also, what a tool! Who tells a person it's Easter when it's not??

Hang in there. xo