This past weekend, I was struck with one of my best ideas ever.
It all started very innocently - as the best plans do. We were at a going-away party for two of my favorite rollerskating lesbians (and that is saying a lot - I have plenty of lesbian friends, with and without roller derby connections - but when you add rollerskates to an already awesome lesbian, it's kind of mind blowing. And then to be the best of the rollerskating lesbians? Well. they are practically superheroes).
So there we are, eating and laughing, and enjoying a rousing performance of Hall and Oates b-side "She's a Jam Eater":
(What? This is just a typical Saturday night.)
This was followed by repeat viewings of "Breakfast".
(incredibly offensive and NSFW video below).
( I just had to share this in case you missed it before now. You Are SO WELCOME.)
Naturally, after THAT video - and the hearty ass-shaking that accompanied it - talk began of heading out to go dancing. But first! A no holds barred Cards Against Humanity tournament (featuring the always-a-winner card: "Making the penises kiss". Insider tip - and just the tip: You can play that card at any time and win the whole damn thing.) We also had a dramatic reading from one of Augusten Burroughs novels - it doesn't matter which one, all that matters is that the reading was given with an enormous pink (allegedly clean) dildo used as a page turner.
Time was flying by, let me tell you, and before long it was midnight. The bars were closing soon, so we decided that yes, we wanted to go out dancing for a little while.
And THAT is when my amazing, best-ever idea struck and spread like wildfire. Or an unsavory rash.
"Jess," I said, turning to our hostess "don't you have a bunch of unitards?"
By 1am I was standing in the Barmuda Triangle, surrounded by 6 women in gymnastic unitards, and two dressed as Mario and Luigi. I have no idea why Jess had Mario and Luigi costumes, but thank god she did. Mario's costume fit like a glove. But Luigi was another story. Luigi was wearing a diamond-crusted grill and a messenger bag, sporting an enormous camel toe, and was also on crutches.
(I have no idea who that woman in the middle is - if you recognize her, let me know. Poor dear.)
Remarkably, the unitards barely got a second glance - but holy shit you guys. Mario and Luigi set that place OFF. Flashbulbs were popping, people were shouting from the dance floor, and they were being cheered on by drunk 20-somethings wearing enormous green sequined hats and "Kiss Me I'm Irish" t-shirts - which is a pretty hard sell when you are clearly Asian. But really, who was I to judge? I was in a rainbow leopard print onesie.
The plan had been to go and see a friend of ours who was DJing - but my ID had expired and apparently even almost-40 year old women in unitards must have a valid ID to get into a bar.
1 day ago