Saturday, May 5, 2012

I'm not putting that on a t shirt you moron

Since the beginning of time, my husband has played in bands with stupid names. Until recently, most of the lead singers have had control issues, the drummers were all insane, and the gigs were in the shittiest bars in town. But the worst part of it all is that the names of these bands have been absolutely terrible.

I swear to you. Every time he joined a new band and told me the band name, my eyes would involuntarily roll into the back of my head. But, still I was supportive. I lugged cords and sat through soundchecks, spent Sundays hanging around music stores while he bought new and better equipment that we couldn't always afford, and listened to hours upon hours of the same songs, played over and over again ad nauseum.
I didn't mind. While the band names were terrible, the music has always been very, very good. My husband is a very talented bass player, and he has always played with other equally talented musicians. I have maintained a good attitude about the entire thing, and encouraged him to play whenever the opportunity arose.

Lately, he has been playing with a new group of guys - and by "playing" I mean hanging out at one of the guy's houses in a soundproof room on Friday nights, drinking tequila (Sam) and wine coolers (don't ask). They have had a few singers cycle through, but apparently it was never a good fit - and by "fit" I assume these potential singers talked shit about the wine coolers. My point is, the "band" he's in now is a very casual thing. No gigs. No singer. No set list. No band name. Just some guys, playing music.

Until last week.

Last week, one of Sam's current band mates - who also happens to be his co-worker - decided to throw a party, basically so that they could play in front of an audience. And an email was circulated at work promoting the event, and the band. Sam printed out the email and brought it home, leaving it out for me to look at after the kids were in bed.

You can imagine my surprise when I read the email and saw that the guys had come up with a name for their shenanigans.

Somehow, 3 middle-aged men with careers and families sat down and decided that their band name was going to be "Stinkfinger". And they apparently shared this little nugget with their co-workers, who promptly circulated an email via the company email system announcing the band name and encouraging everyone at work to come see them play. Which means that the company that my husband works for now believes that he is a member of a band called "Stinkfinger".


That's it. That's what they came up with. Stinkfinger.

So I set the email back down on the kitchen counter and walked purposefully to the bedroom where he lay in bed reading a copy of Rolling Stone and I said "Are you out of your mind?"


"STINKFINGER? You named your band STINKFINGER? Stinkfinger. Really. That's just great. And now your whole office thinks that is the name of the band. They believe that you are in a band called Stinkfinger."

"No, no.....we're just kidding."


"Yeah, I know bu-"


"I'm not sur-"

"Let me explain something to you, SAM. If I am in public - hell, if I am in my own BACKYARD and you guys are introduced as 'Stinkfinger' I am getting up and taking the kids and leaving. I am not going to sit there and smile like an idiot and point you out and say 'My husband is Stinkfinger's bass player.' I am not wearing a tshirt that says STINKFINGER across the front of it. I will not do it."
"Don't worry, that won't happen, it's just a joke."

"It's not funny."

"It's kind of funny."

"No. See, it's NOT. It's not fucking funny."

"Okay, I understand. You will never hear that name again."

So we go to the party, and they start playing, and there is no mention of anything at all relating to fingers - stinky or otherwise. I wandered inside to grab a beer and sat down on the couch for a minute to let Dude wriggle around and one of the guests came over to admire him.

"So," she said as she tickled Dude's toes. "How'd they come up with the name Stinkfinger?"

The guitars will be listed on Craigslist shortly. I'm keeping the extension cords, but if you're in the market for a sweet amp, let me know.


AKA Jane Random said...

Hilarious! Oh, the woes of the band's significant others! Too funny.

Stacy Q said...

I can't think of them now, but I know I've seen a bunch of movies where someone is saying something as part of the conversation, then announces, "That would be a great band name!"
I'm just saying they've got to be able to come up with something better than Stinkfinger.
In fact I just googled "good band name" and there are websites that list them, and others that will generate them for you.
Just saying.