Exploratory surgery! I hope Dora will be there.....

So with all of these tales of travel and strippers and roller derby, it's been pretty easy to skip over the fact that I have been sick. I wrote a few blogs about it, but haven't posted them because A. That shit is not funny or entertaining and B. Cry me a fucking river, you know what I mean?

But I figure now is a good time to get you caught up with as much humor as I can manage to find in the situation that is pretty devoid of humor. For starters, I had to go to the hospital while I was on the East Coast, because my tummy hurt. Yeah, I know. Grow a pair, Daffodil. You don't go to the ER because your tummy hurts. You take some Immodium and eat a banana. But I'm allergic to bananas, and frankly, after day 3 of feeling like I was maybe going to turn completely inside out, I decided that before I flew to Vegas, I should probably get checked out.

Within about 10 minutes I was on an IV, but they insisted I would be Vegas-ready in a few hours. But in a few hours I was being wheeled off for a cat scan, and then prepped for surgery. As the nurse attached the heart monitor I looked at her and said "Dorothy, I don't think we're going to Vegas anymore." "It's not looking good" she agreed, "but don't give up hope!"

The surgeon arrived and we quickly decided that I didn't want to have emergency surgery, and that it looked like it didn't need to be done right away, and more tests should be done, and dammit I wanted to go to Vegas, not have my stomach cut open.

I won.

So they took out the IV, and I peeled off the ledes in the parking lot, and then we went to CVS and got some medication "just in case" and then I went to Vegas.

Vegas was tough for me. I'm not gonna lie. I mean, there was still a lot of debauchery, but I was a witness more than a participant. There was also a lot of walking, and I wasn't in any shape to be trucking up and down the Strip in 6 inch heels. I managed, of course, but it was probably ill-advised. I came home absolutely exhausted. And then I turned around and headed off to Oregon with the team.

Between Vegas and Oregon, I got some rest in Seattle, and some more rest at home. That is, between the tests. Ultrasounds, blood tests, physical exams....and even with all of that, they haven't decided what is wrong. Maybe it's nothing, maybe it's something, maybe it's one of these:

Which is where the exploratory part comes in.

My abdomen is truly the last frontier. Which is why I am totally wearing a Dora the Explorer backpack to the hospital, with all of my x-rays and lab results inside. And  lip balm. My lips always get so dry in the hospital.