Dressing right for the Oscars

Hello, and welcome to another beautiful Oscar's Sunday, where the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences present awards to the most accomplished members of their community. The celebrities have begun to gather on the red carpet, and excitement is in the air. Oh wait, that's not excitement, the grease on the bottom of the oven is smoking. Hang on.

Okay, and we're BACK!

And everyone just looks so fabulous. I tell you, I don't know how they do it. I am looking at photos of these women arriving at the Academy Awards, women who have small children at home, and realizing that it must truly take a village to get ready for an awards show.

Or I need to work on my time management.

Among other things.

Ahem.

Anyway, here they are, in all of their Oscar Night glory, and here I am, in my own Oscar Night getup. As you can see, I was generously dressed by multiple designers for this special occasion. My t-shirt is a limited edition EV Hawaii shirt from the Eddie Vedder tour. My jeans, a pair of raggedy cutoffs that were, at one time, a pair of citizens for humanity jeans that I bought at a consignment store. The stud in my nose was provided by Brad-the-piercing-dude, and today it's been touched up with a light schmear of antibiotic cream to add that special glistening, dewlike look I am going for. My shoes? Why, thanks for asking! These are actually the fuzzy liners from an old pair of crocs that our puppy ate last year.

And yes, that is a feather in my hair.

I can't hear what anyone is saying, because my son and daughter are beating the crap out of each other with brooms on the porch, and my husband is under the house drilling something that has to do with the phone line an-

AND WE'RE BACK. That drilling was apparently him moving thE phone jack, and we lost our internet for a while there, but now it's on and we're back, and the kids aren't screaming anymore which is wonderful for everyone. I have poured myself a huge drink and I am going to sit here and sip and sob quietly into my tissue because everyone looks so lovely, and it's all so fabulous, and because I don't think I have seen even one of the nominated movies, as they haven't been made available on the Netflix "watch instantly" stream and the only thing I get to see in the theaters is something "the whole family can enjoy" like Toy Story 3 - HEY WAIT I HAVE SEEN A NOMINATED MOVIE.

I don't remember what I was supposed to be doing this afternoon, but whatever it was, it's not happening. I am going to be here, cheering on my nominee, and I might even change into a long (night)gown for the actual awards ceremony, so that I can really feel a part of things. I'll pour my Jameson and Ginger into a champagne flute, break out the Cheetos, and wait for the one category I can speak about with some authority - namely, animated features - and make fun of all of the dresses that cost more than my house but are ugly as hell. And make snide remarks about the guys who didn't think the needed to wear a tie because the Academy Awards are just a little nothing of an internationally televised event, and roll my eyes every time someone thanks Jesus for helping them to win an Oscar because honey, he's got bigger fish to fry.