Monday, December 27, 2010

A pathetic attempt at "sexy talk". Because we're too sexy for talking.

We've been sick for a week now. For the first few nights, one of us would sleep on a sofa, sweating and shivering and clutching a box of tissues, so as not to disturb the other. But then we both got so sick that there just wasn't any point in shielding either of us from mouth breathing, coughing fits, and rampant nose blowing.

Last night, finally, there was some peace. I could lie down without gasping for air, and I was able to have conversations without coughing and blowing my nose. I came into our bedroom to find Sami in bed, reading.

He put down his book as I climbed into bed and fussed with my pillows and blanket. "I'm cold." I whined. "No one warmed up my side of the bed."

He leaned over and gave me a hug. "Come over to my side," he leered. "I'll warm you up."

Oh how sad. He must be feeling optimistic.
"No." I pouted. "Even my butt is cold."
He reached over and grabbed my ass. "Hm."
"See? It's cold."
He closed his eyes in concentration. "Well, it's cold on the outside."

****silence****




****more silence****



He opened his eyes to find me leveling an icy stare that - dare I say it ? - was colder than my ass. The outside of it anyway.

"The outside?" I asked incredulously. "What other part of my ass would you need to concern yourself with?"

He closed his eyes again. "No other part." he backpedaled furiously. "That came out wrong. I meant the part that wasn't cov-"

But I was not letting it go. "So...what? Are you a proctologist now or something?"
"Uh, I'm going to stop talking."

"Talking? Jesus, I know you aren't a talker. God knows, I didn't marry you because you had smooth moves and said all the right things. But what the FUCK?" I was now laughing hysterically.

He opened his eyes and smiled, and then reached back over to hug me, hopeful that my horror had passed.
Oh my no. I rolled away, onto my back.

"You see what I'm doing here?" I was still giggling - but dead serious. "This is my version of the cock-block. I'm blocking access to my BUTT.  Just in case you decide you need to take it's temperature again."

"But, but I....."
"GOOD NIGHT SIR."

He sighed and turned off the light. I blew my nose and shook my head.
Talking is so over-rated.

2 comments:

DD said...

Oh, amen and preach it, sista! I'm sure I've had this same (or one incredibly close to) conversation with my husband. What IS it with the unintentional/inadvertent/subliminal bathroom/backdoor humor!

LambAround said...

ROFLMAO! I don't think I'd be too keen on Sexy Nerd saying something like that, whether I was sick or feeling fine. He's the same way though. No interest in me at all this past week, until last night. I had my wisdom teeth pulled yesterday - it's not going to happen, Sexy Nerd! ;)