Thursday, December 30, 2010

I said I wouldn't........and then I did

That pretty much sums up 2010. I made all sorts of grand statements and then waffled.

I just couldn't be more proud. (cue sarcasm)

I am clearly the one with the problem. I get that. If something is making me uncomfortable or scared or sad.....if something could be better.....if I could be's my responsibility to make it so.

I always have said "it doesn't matter if YOU think it's fine - if someone else is upset by it, you should respect that." And I still believe that this is essentially true- in life, in relationships, at work and at home. You shouldn't spend so much time trying to convince someone that what they feel is wrong. Or that you are right. You need to find a way to co-exist.

Except, I cannot co-exist. I cannot exist like this. I am awake at night worrying about my next shift at work. I am nauseous. I am exhausted and jumpy and edgy and anxious.

 I am scared.

My boss and co-workers, even my husband doesn't seem to think anything of my working late at night at the bar. Even though I said no. Even though I said I didn't want to anymore. I am back on the late night schedule this week. I guess I am supposed to be over it. I am overreacting. Being dramatic. Being difficult.

And I can accept that. But I don't have to change it. I'm just going to own it. Whether you think I am right or wrong or a big huge gigantic hairy pussy.
If something is making me uncomfortable, I don't have to do it anymore.
I don't.
And I said I wouldn't.
So I won't.
At least, I hope I won't.
Because I can't. I can't be afraid to go to work. Afraid to say no.
So I won't say no. I'll just say "no more".

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