"You look like a dyke." a woman said the first time I cut all my hair off.
Despite my two marriages, and a very decidedly heterosexual social life between them, she felt that my pixie cut had ended more than my interest in a good conditioner - it also meant the end of my interest in penises.
I had no idea I needed long hair for that. Thank goodness she was around to enlighten me.
For all the years since that one, shocking day when I heard someone use THAT WORD to describe my appearance, it has stuck with me. First of all, why on earth would someone use that word as an insult? I know some pretty hot lesbians. Second of all, when did lesbians corner the market on short hair?
I put it behind me. Chalked it up to someone being ignorant and speaking without thinking. And I thought the whole "lesbians have short hair" thing was just that woman being obnoxious. We all know that a person's "looks" are NEVER an indication of their sexuality. They could be wearing a sign that says "I am a lesbian" and I still would need more proof. Pretty much the only way to know whether someone is a lesbian or not, is to find out if they will have sex with another girl. Not that one night at sleepover camp. Not that wild weekend in Cancun during spring break. Not "I Kissed A Girl" Katy Perry-style. I mean, well......you know what I mean. Sex. With a girl.
For the record, I can guarantee that I am not going to have sex with another woman. Not even if I cut all my hair off first.
Not one to leave well enough alone, I tested the theory repeatedly. Short hair, long hair, still not a lesbian. Today I had over a foot of hair tied up in a poy tail, and removed from my head. With scissors. At a hair salon. I tweeted and facebooked the momentous occasion.
The reaction was immediate.
My phone started buzzing.
My email was chiming away as one message after another came in on facebook.
And I was surprised that amongst all of the "Holy SHIT" and "I love it!' and "Sassy!" responses, another of my friends made a joke that equated short hair with a potential change in my sexual orientation. Even more surprising - the friend who brought it up tonight is a lesbian.
A lesbian with long hair.
She must be so confused. How can she like vaginas with all of that hair on her head? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
Maybe she was just hoping for some good news. Like, if she pointed out that my new hairstyle may be a portal to my inner lesbian, that she could have first crack at it. I hate to disappoint her. Perhaps I should give the ladies a try after all. I mean, we don't want this short hair to go to waste. But not now.
She wasn't the only one who was connecting my new hairstyle with my sex life. Apparently, I have some other, unexplored options.
"You look like high class woman now" the sushi chef said at work.
I guess that is in comparison to the "cheap whore" look I was rocking earlier in the day? (And indeed, for the past year.) Silly me: I just thought this was just a cute haircut. Turns out it also made me gay AND classy. It's a miracle!
"I take you." he leered at me, giggling. I glared back. Daggers. That's not the way to talk to a high class lady, SIR.
(And even though he has a penis, I don't want to see it.)
So I guess the verdict is still out.
On the haircut, that is.
I'm still not a lesbian.
I'm not having sex with the sushi guy, either.
(I can't believe I just said that. But I just want to be clear, ladies and sushi guys.)
My heart belongs only to my beloved husband. And his penis. Both of whom really like my new haircut.