This morning it was pouring rain.
And I woke up late.
And I had forgotten to wash the lunch bags that I had thrown in the washing machine last night.
And I had forgotten to put the freezer packs from the lunch boxes back in the freezer.
And as soon as I opened the door the damn dog ran into the house with his muddy feet.
And then I found out I was driving carpool.
And I was racing to defrost a bottle of breast milk for the littlest sidekick so that someone could give her a bottle in her carseat on the drive to school.
And suddenly, in the midst of the chaos and my pacing around the kitchen ticking items off my to do list (which basically is me, muttering under my breath like a crazy person) there was this horrible, awful noise.
I jumped about two feet in the air. The baby startled and then let out a blood curdling shriek. Max was rolling on the floor cackling in hysterics. Lucy had covered her face and her shoulders were shaking with silent laughter.
"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?" (note: I did not curse in front of the baby, because she isn't mine and I don't think her parents have a potty mouth like mine so I try to contain myself.)
More laughter. I pick up the baby and soothe her, while I glare at my children. As soon as my son catches my glance, he stands up and stops laughing. "It was my whoopie cushion."
"What is the matter with you? Seriously. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?"
"No, I am serious. How could you look at me, running around like a nut, knowing we have to leave for school in 5 minutes and lunches aren't done and I'm in my pajamas and the car needs to be loaded and I haven't had my coffee and I worked 'til 11 last night and then came home and worked a few more hours.....how can you look around you and think to yourself 'You know what would be great right now? A whoopie cushion'. How could you possibly have thought that NOW was a good time for that?" And then I grabbed the fucking cushion - which was all wet and nasty - and he went pale.
"Mom, what are you going to do with it?"
"What am I going to do with it? I should cut it in half, is what I should do. But I'm not gonna. I'm just going to take this damn thing and put it BACK IN YOUR ROOM and YOU are going to brush your teeth and get ready for school."
"Here, Mom, I can take th-"
"Like hell you can. Get ready for school."
And I took the whoopie cushion, threw it on the chair in the den where Lucy was curled up on the sofa pretending to read, and marched Max outside to help me load the car. "Lucy," I shouted over my shoulder "you need to brush your teeth too."
An hour later, I came back home and headed into the den to feed the baby.
You know, she looks so damn innocent, but her brother is teaching her EVERYTHING HE KNOWS.
I am so screwed.
33 minutes ago