Monday, September 6, 2010

For the love of a roller girl

My husband and I are just back from a romantic overnight stay on a tiny island. We took the ferry over, and rented a 4x4 jeep with every intention of exploring desolate, isolated beaches. We found a few.

But the terrain was so rough, and sadly the litter on the beach was so pervasive, that we gave up after a while - our dreams of romance dashed on the jagged rocks and smashed shipping containers of the remote south shore.

We returned to the hotel and our room, at the front of the lovely old plantation style building, with a high-ceiling and a huge bed. The room opened onto a small front porch, which we shared with the couple from the neighboring room. Norman and Mary were celebrating Norm's birthday.
Norman and Mary seemed to be spending their entire vacation on our shared lanai.
Which means Norman and Mary spent almost the entire time that we were IN our room, sitting outside of it. Like, right outside. And we had the windows open, because it's Hawaii and the air is nice and the weather was perfect. But having the lanai window open meant that Norman and Mary had what could best be described as a front row seat for our romantic getaway. Having the lanai window closed meant that our room was sweltering and that they would probably hear every word we said anyway.


It goes both ways - we were in fact made aware of how little privacy there was, by hearing Norman's every cough, fart and conversation - both with his wife and with his cellphone - on the lanai. The one right outside our room. The one where our window opened out to. That one.


Eventually, Norman and Mary went to dinner. Sadly, we had reservations for the same time - so we all went to dinner, and sat across the dining room from each other - them glaring at us for trying to have some grownup private time in our hotel room, us glaring at them for sitting directly outside that room ensuring that there was absolutely nothing private about the time we spent in our room.

In an effort to really make them uncomfortable, we started talking (quietly, of course) about the sex life of rollergirls. Not any specific rollergirls, know. Girls who skate derby. I don't have any idea how it came up, but we talked about it for the entire dinner. Rollergirls are not any specific "type", but I think it is safe to say that the majority of them are not exactly the traditional, conservative, missionary position on Saturday evening only after the kids are in bed with the doors locked and all the lights off kind of girls. The girls that I have met run the gamut from gay to straight, with a heavy dose of bi and bi-curious. And that was exactly what we were talking about. Just how bi-curious is your average rollergirl?

Pretty curious. Or at least, they talk a good game. I am not. Curious, that is. Thinking that perhaps my husband wanted a little reassurance that he was the only one for me, that I wasn't going to shack up with a team mate or start having extra "team meetings" after practice, I told him flat out "I am not interested in having sex with women."

And I have to tell you: He seemed a little disappointed.

"I have an equation." he explained. "A very scientific equation."
I stared at him, then refilled my wine glass.
"Oh you do, do you?"
"Yes. Perhaps it's more of a theory, actually. Here's my theory: The man? He's a negative. The woman? She's a positive."
"Mmm." I murmured. I drained the wine glass and he refilled it.
"So, one guy, one girl. That's a balanced equation, right? One negative, one positive."
"I guess so...."
"But if you add another guy in there, it's 2 negatives, just one positive. That's no good."
"Is the guy for you, or for me?" I got a little panicky.
"No, no, wouldn't matter. Two guys, is one too many guys - regardless of why he's there."
"But two girls? That's two positives. That makes a positive."
"Ah, I see. A win-win situation."
"YES!" He thundered. "Two girls and one guy is positive for EVERYONE."
Mary looked like she was going to faint. Norm started to cough. He may have choked on his wine, but I was too engrossed in the conversation to give a shit about Norm.
"Well, that is an interesting theory you have there."
"I'm still not into girls like that."
"No problem. I'm just saying, my reaction to finding you in bed with a girl would be way different then my reaction to finding you in bed with a guy."
"What WOULD your reaction be?"
"Well, if you were with a guy, I'd probably kill him."
"Ah." I said agreeably.
"But if you were in bed with a girl-"
"You'd probably ask us to start over from the beginning."
"Probably. And maybe talk a little louder so I didn't miss anything."
At this point, we were in hysterics. The wine bottle was empty.
Mary and Norman decided to leave without finishing their dessert.
"Night night guys!" I said, waggling my fingers at them as they walked by. "See you in the morning!"
They glared at us.
"Well, despite all of the scientific theory proving the benefits of having sex with women - even just from a mathmatical standpoint" I continued "I'm still not interested."
"That's just fine" he reassured me. "I love you anyway."

12 years, and the romance is still alive, people. Isn't that something?

1 comment:

badgermama said...

Ahahah! hilarious! I have done this too and usually I end up going WAY over the top. Like, "make a hand like a duck" level explicit.

But it's all talk at this point, I've done so much that I'm completely jaded and not really cruising. Even in Hawaii with a shared porch! Hahahah! I wonder if they thought you were hinting?! You have to play it up by blowing the lady a kiss, now!