Notes from the bartender who just witnessed your first date

Gosh, I just love working behind the bar. You get to see every kind of train wreck imaginable, all happening right there in front of you. In fact, you have to actively work at NOT eavesdropping, because seriously.....you can hear everything. EVERYTHING.

Last night was a real quiet night, and then with no warning I got front row seats to the best kind of entertainment imaginable: The first date.

From start to finish, it was just great. Lots of really awkward moments and personal history were shared. So as a thank you to the lovely couple for a great time, here is my feedback:

Dude. THANK YOU for sitting at the bar. In fact, always sit at the bar for your first dates. The bartender can run interference and respond to your desperate signals for a change in subject or more alcohol. Which you desperately needed, in order to deal with:

Lady. Just because you have big fake titties that stand up without the aid of a support undergarment, does not mean you should forgo said undergarment for a first date with:

Dude. If the chick extends a hand to shake in greeting, don't brush the hand aside and go in for the bear hug hello. She took one look at you and didn't want to hug you. Don't push it because:

Lady. You look like you could seriously kick his ass. And like maybe you have more money in your wallet than the entire contents of this guy's bank account.

Dude. You have got to dress better than that for a first date. I know you think you were looking neat and well groomed, and you were. YOU WERE. But a cotton knit light colored polo shirt with, what were those, chinos? Those are not going to work for this:

Lady. What the hell do you have on? You forgot something. Like your underwear. This is a first date, and this guy has a look on his face that is like an 18 year old:

Dude. Close your mouth. Now I know what the word "leer" really means. Newsflash - you also look scared shitless of:

Lady. He's just a nice guy. He looks like he has a job, and loves his mother. Don't be mean. It will be hard, because he seems like the antithesis of the elderly cowboy you are still married to.

Dude. Did she just say she was still married?