Monday, May 24, 2010

Charlie is Not a Knot

Two nights ago, post-bout and after the after party, I woke up at about 2am.

I couldn't breathe.

I was gasping and choking and when I tried to sit up, I screamed. More in a silent, horror movie kind of way since I have no idea how long I had been struggling to breathe.....but if I had been able to the scream would have been equivalent to the shower scene in Psycho, or one of the poor women on "Baby Story" who agreed in the glow of pregnancy to have their delivery recorded for posterity. That show scared the crap out of me when I was pregnant, and the screming of some of those mama's still rings in my ears. So that was the sound I heard inside my head when I tried to roll over.

But in reality, Sami didn't even wake up. So if anyone ever breaks into our house, just know that they will totally be able to strangle me first, and then move over to his side and finish the job. I'm just saying.

So I lay there and just swung one arm (with a fist on the end) over in his general direction, and I believe caught his right buttcheek with enough force to at least cause him to let out an "umph". So I swung again.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" he asked.

"help" I whimpered.

He got me over to my side, I hung my head over the bed and tried to breathe. And not puke. And breathe.

I had the most horrific pain and I couldn't breathe and OH MY GOD I AM HAVING A HEART ATTACK I KNEW THOSE DERBY GIRLS WERE GOING TO KILL ME WITH THEIR WILD WAYS AND THEIR TEQUILA.

Sami spent about 5 minutes poking around and found what turned out to be the biggest gnarliest knot in my back. All of that pain? Was a fucking Charlie Horse-style back spasm. I have had them in my leg, but never in my back and OH MY GOD IT WAS AWFUL.

I blame it on cheap tequila. I blame all of the ills of the world on cheap tequila. There is no excuse for drinking that shit.

So for the past 24 hours, I have been pounding potassium and water, stretching and lying under my crazy cool Infrared Lamp that I bought from my acupuncturist when we were trying to get pregnant 11 years ago. (I am not promoting that website, and didn't buy from them - but they have a good description of what it is).

Now I am going to pop some more ibuprofin and drive carpool. I am working on a way to power the lamp with my cigarette lighter in the truck. It could happen. Do not under estimate me.

1 comment:

Ro Magnolia said...

Oh my! Your poor thing .. and I'm pretty sure I'd have the same difficulty waking my husband. I think I'd have to knock a lamp over his head to wake him in the night. :S

I had a wicked charley horse on the side of my abdomen of all places one night. Thought I was going to die --- wasn't sure if I was having a heart attack or a hernia. Not fun. I had them in my legs before but didn't even recognize what it was when it happened in my abdomen.

I got this pediatric electrolyte stuff the next day and can't believe how much it helped. I guess I was low on potassium. I had never even heard that was an option but thank god my naturopath knew what to recommend.