At first I thought I just had a case of the holiday blues. I would hardly be alone in that mindset - I have some good company. (Right Tiger? Oh, wait. That's blue BALLS. That's DIFFERENT. And p.s. you suck.)
On Sunday I got myself all gussied up in the women's room after my shift (which entailed wiping off both armpits with a wet paper towel - my co-workers were equally impressed with my efforts, let me tell you). And I went to the holiday party for about, oh, 10 min.
I left that gathering so aggravated and aggrieved, that I spent the entire rest of the evening in a funk. I love my job, I love my co-workers, we have a great time at work and outside of work. And maybe - just maybe - it began as a case of the holiday blues......
But the blues blew up.
I don't know what my problem was, besides a distinct lack of holiday cheer and desperate need of a shower. I recognized it, though. I wasn't going to sit around raining on everyone ELSE'S parade, that's for sure. So I drove home, up the gorgeous, beautiful slopes of Haleakala, with the sun drifting ever-lower in the winter sky.
I dug deeper, I looked harder, I thought longer about what, O WHAT could be bothering me.....
I think I got it. It's your typical existential crisis.
When we moved to Hawaii, it was to get out of the crazy cycle of eat work sleep repeat.
That didn't really work out so good.
And this is what is really bothering me. I am living a life, a great life, at breakneck speed - because I have to.
But I don't.
I am not sure what the solution is yet - but I am tired of obsessing about money and paying bills and the detritous of this American life. Don't get me wrong, I love the hell out of my MiniCooper and that thing is NOT going anywhere (Don't worry baby, mommy is going to take GOOD CARE OF YOU. You and your sassy little six speeds.)
But enough is enough. Is enough.
I gotta let it go. I am effectively putting on the brakes. 2010 is going to be a very different kind of year.
And I am so ready for the change.
5 hours ago