Saturday, November 7, 2009

On Not Sleeping, and all that it entails


Good Morning !

I am wide awake, and feeling so rested after 3 solid hours of dreamless slumber.



(No, really. There are a ton of crickets outside.)

This sucks. (Stops typing, twiddles thumbs. Starts typing.)

The no-sleep thing has been going on for a while. It started about 9 years ago, during the monumental hormone shift of pregnancy. For the first four months I slept All The Fucking Time It Was Ridiculous. And then, coincidentally as soon as the nausea ended and I stopped feeling like I might die, I was wide awake off and on all night long. Eating cheerios at 2am because my growling stomach had woken me up.

I don't have that excuse anymore.

Then I had a new baby that woke up every hour to eat. Sometimes, he just ate all night long. I fed him, because he seemed so hungry. Even when the doctor insisted that he was a big healthy baby and did NOT need to eat during the night, I still fed him. He was hungry.

And then he slept through the night, and I was still awake. No excuse for that.

And the sleeplessness just....progressed. Some nights are worse then others. A new baby brought new reasons to be awake. But then she started sleeping through the night too, and it was just me again. Sitting here in the house. Awake. All Night Long. No reason. No excuse. Just.......up.

The thing about being awake in the middle of the night, is that it gives you a lot of time to think. To worry. To assess your life, your work, your PATHETIC housekeeping skills.

You can't do anything about it, however. Not really. Not at (checks clock) 12:15am. Everyone else is sleeping, you have to be quiet. So you are forced to sit there, in the clutter of your house and your mind, and try to ignore the piles of laundry that need putting away. And the vacuuming that never seems to get done during the day. Personally, I can't deal with the bills - which is something lots of people do at night when they can't sleep. I don't do that, because then I'll start thinking about money, and I really don't like to think about money. At all.

(sigh) What to do, what to do.

I could clean the stove - it needs cleaning - but I might wake up the dogs.

We do not wake up the dogs, because the dogs are not quiet creatures. Better that they sleep now.

I could watch a movie - with headphones on - but that is almost worse then doing nothing. That is choosing to do something, but not the somethings that need to be done, and then I feel lazy and pissed off at myself for not doing all of the things that need to be done during the DAY when I can do them without worrying about waking everyone up.

Sometimes I make a to do list. So that in the morning, I will remember all of the things I sat here obsessing about. But in the morning, I am so exhausted from not sleeping all night, and from writing a 10 page to do list, that I can barely work up the energy to brush my teeth. Once my teeth are brushed, I contemplate a nap.....but then I feel terrible for even thinking about napping when there is so much to do. So I pick the least exhausting task on my list, and do it.

And then I get distracted by an email or a phone call or some other damn thing....and nothing else on the list gets done, and then before you know it it's time to get the kids again, and then I bring them home and try valiently to stay awake and supervise homework. And make dinner. And drive to tae kwon do. And back.

Eight o'clock hits like a ton of bricks. Sami handles bedtime for the kids, because I have already climbed into our bed where I am forcing myself to stay awake until (at the very least) he comes in to say good night. HE doesn't have insomnia, so he doesn't fall asleep at 8:30pm. HE goes to bed at a normal, grownup hour of 10pm. I think. I mean, I don't really know, because I'm asleep. And by the time I am awake (at sometime between 11:30pm and 2am) he is out cold.

Sleep looks so.....restful.

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