Monday, October 19, 2009

And then after that, I did a whole lot of nothing. It Was Spectacular.

Yeah, I know I was going to give you all sorts of details but I gotta be honest - I reviewed the rest of my trip and, well, meh. It was fun for me, but it won't translate (I don't think). So in summary, I had a few more days at my mom's and we enjoyed beautiful fall weather and went to Old Navy and Ikea the end. No, really, we had a lovely restofourvisit and we saw HAZEL! again which was, of course, spectacular and well-documented because in case I haven't mentioned it she's the best.

Another fact to be celebrated is that I managed yet another extended stay in a (very) small town without bumping into The Ex.

Despite moving a continent and an ocean and about 6000 miles and at least two airplane rides away, I spend a large percentage of my life reflexively analyzing men of a certain size/age/body type/balding pattern/facial hair/general appearance to be assured that they are not my ex. At the risk of sounding like Jennifer Aniston whining about Brad Pitt (because let's move on already) I do this automatically, there is no thought involved whatsoever, just a completely subconscious and instinctual fight or flight kind of mechanism at work. A constant analysis of my surroundings. It sucks and it's embarrassing but it is what it is and the feeling of relief that I get every time I determine that the man I have just completely stared down is not The Ex is hard to explain.

There are many reasons for this, but the most important reason is that the relationship ended so badly and so abruptly that it is just sort of a black hole of emotion. I have no interest in opening it up and examining it any further, but it is there - right there, the elephant in the room. I live in fear of this black hole exploding in spectacular fashion completely out of my control and at the most inopportune time. It's like being a fugitive, always wondering when it's going to all fall down around you.

So needless to say, being in the same (very) small town as this man is difficult at best, and completely paralyzing at worst. I have to drive by his home many MANY times during my visits in order to get back to my mother's house, unless I go the long long LONG way, which I always forget to do until I round "the corner of no return" and I am staring at his car. And then I try to avert my eyes because I feel like a stalker for driving by, and then I remember I am not just "driving by" to drive by, like some lonely rejected heartbroken teenager that I very definitely once was which is how I know what that feels like. (Pretty awful, just for the record). And then I feel like a complete ass for even THINKING about him because it was forever ago and it's ancient history. But I still don't stop at the farmer's market next door because obviously.

No, I am just driving to my mother's house and I am a grownup and it's a small town with a one way street and there is no other option I have to just keep going I can't turn around and's just awful every time.

Every single time.

So anyway, woohoo for avoiding what would have been a very awkward encounter ! Next time my goal is to not think about it at all, ever. (crickets) Yeah, I know. Not fucking likely. (sigh) Awkward.

And speaking of awkward encounters, here's one I didn't manage to avoid. I took both kids to visit my mother in law without my husband. And while she is a lovely woman and the grandmother to my children and she raised the man that I adore more then anything or anyone, and her sisters are AMAZING and I love seeing is very strange to be staying with his family without HIM. And so it leads to a bit more emotional angst at a time when I am already pretty taxed emotionally.

I must admit that by the time we began the long journey west towards Hawaii, I was ready. Really ready. I missed my husband. I missed my house. I missed my friends. I missed my bed. I missed the dogs. I missed my job and my co-workers and my customers.

I missed my life. My life as it is Right Now. Not my roots, not my history. My current wonderful fabulous life.

The past 8 years have been a revelation - I am always giddy about returning home. My heart starts to race as the plane begins it's decent into the central valley. As we sweep through the sky beyond the waves and between the mountains and over the sugar cane, I catch my breath. I see the brilliant blues and greens, the rich red of the volcanic earth, the incredible coastline and golden sand and jagged peaks.....and as soon as they open the door of the cabin and the sunlight streams in and I can SMELL the salt air and feel the warmth I am home again.

Oh, it's lovely to be home.

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