In which I am incredibly productive before 9am. Huzzah !

(after writing all of this I re-read it and it sounds like I am on speed but I AM NOT. Just sayin'.)

Today was one for the record books, where I woke up and actually cleaned the kitchen before I had even had a cup of COFFEE and dragged my stupidly huge vacuum across the house and then (hold on to your hats) I PLUGGED THAT FUCKER IN AND VACUUMED.

I did, swear to god.

And my mother wasn't even coming to visit. I just did it. (Because someone else was coming over, but that is beside the point, the point is that I was productive in relation to housework, before 8am. It truly boggles the mind.)

So, yay me ! After vacuuming, I was on some kind of motivational high (all-natural, of course) and I got really industrious. I sorted out all of our plastic grocery bags (because even with my handy-dandy ChicoBag I still end up with a shit-ton of plastic grocery bags which I despise). I sorted them and every bag that did not say Walmart or KMart or Foodland or have some other brand name printed on them was stuffed into a cloth shopping bag (Oh ! The IRONY !) and put in the car to be dropped off at the cafe for take-out orders. Because our town is technically "plastic bag free" but no one said anything about RECYCLED BAGS and so I think it's OK. It's probably not, but let's just say that it is.

And for the record, I don't get paid by Chico Bags to promote them, I just love them and think everyone should have them. You should. Have one. A Chico Bag, that is. Seriously. Go get one now. I'll wait. Choose a good color, m'kay ? "Cause the color of your Chico Bag says a lot about you ! No pressure !

OK, and we're back. After my great plastic bag adventure, I dragged the vacuum back down the hall (carefully avoiding eye contact with the rest of the house that also seriously (SERIOUSLY) needed a vacuum, because what am I, a fucking superhero ? Are you people never satisfied ? It's not even 9am and I vacuumed the kitchen and living room. I'm D O N E).

And then I went into my bedroom, stepping over a monstrous pile of clean laundry (all of my laundry issues revolve around clean laundry, by the way. I am HAPPY to wash the clothes, but put them away ? Not so much. And then I have a nasty habit of leaving wet clothes in the washing machine for days on end before I remember them because I have run out of underpants but again, do I look like Wonderwoman ? Really ? You think so ? I mean, I have noticed some similarities and I love her hair but - wait a minute, you're messing with me. Nice. Very nice.)

AS I WAS SAYING I stepped over a huge pile of clean laundry and then pulled a basket of folded clean clothes onto the floor and dumped it out and pulled out at least a half dozen bathing suits to be taken to the resale shop because even though my mother thinks it's gross and I can't actually handle it myself, lots of people buy used bathing suits. Apparently.

Then I put them in another tote bag and brought THAT down to the car to take with me to town.

I know, I am blowing MYSELF away with my efficiency and organization.

Then I got a champagne stopper for Marn and put that in my purse to be delivered later, and sorted out a bunch of clean laundry that was only sitting in the washer for about 23 hours and so had managable mildew-funk which I ignored and threw in the dryer anyway so that the clean laundry actually smelled kind of dirty but because it was technically clean I went with it. And if anyone has a problem they can SUCK IT.

THEN I screwed around on Facebook for 3 hours because MY GOD I was exhausted from doing so much so quickly.

And after all of that it was only 12:15 and I thought MY GOD I have the whole day ahead of me so I went right over to my friend's house and picked up her two boys because my house was clean and I just couldn't stand it for another minute so I needed to get at least two extra sets of dirty wet grass-covered feet in my house to make sure that there was NO SIGN OF CLEANLINESS. So I had 4 wet grassy sweaty kids drinking Gatorade and running around like they had just drank their weight in energy drinks and all was well.

I also managed to drop off the RECYCLED plastic bags at my work and my boss told me what a good job I had done yesterday and then right after that he farted while we were both in his very small office just the two of us and so I yelled at him for farting and he laughed like the sick fuck that he is and I stormed out and I am probably going to hear that story every day for the next 2 weeks because he thought it was so funny that he offended me and I stormed out.

And then all of a sudden it was late afternoon and the boys were going home and Max had tae kwon do and just to keep things interesting while he was at the dojo I went to the bank, the resale shop, and Walmart (where they gave me another plastic bag....CURSES !)

In the midst of all of this I also submitted a proposal to 2 magazines, chose a head shot, and read US magazine.

Tomorrow I am going to have a bloody mary at 8am and go straight to the beach so don't even thnk about asking me to vacuum because it's not going to happen.