Monday, July 20, 2009

In which I am incredibly productive before 9am. Huzzah !

(after writing all of this I re-read it and it sounds like I am on speed but I AM NOT. Just sayin'.)

Today was one for the record books, where I woke up and actually cleaned the kitchen before I had even had a cup of COFFEE and dragged my stupidly huge vacuum across the house and then (hold on to your hats) I PLUGGED THAT FUCKER IN AND VACUUMED.

I did, swear to god.

And my mother wasn't even coming to visit. I just did it. (Because someone else was coming over, but that is beside the point, the point is that I was productive in relation to housework, before 8am. It truly boggles the mind.)

So, yay me ! After vacuuming, I was on some kind of motivational high (all-natural, of course) and I got really industrious. I sorted out all of our plastic grocery bags (because even with my handy-dandy ChicoBag I still end up with a shit-ton of plastic grocery bags which I despise). I sorted them and every bag that did not say Walmart or KMart or Foodland or have some other brand name printed on them was stuffed into a cloth shopping bag (Oh ! The IRONY !) and put in the car to be dropped off at the cafe for take-out orders. Because our town is technically "plastic bag free" but no one said anything about RECYCLED BAGS and so I think it's OK. It's probably not, but let's just say that it is.

And for the record, I don't get paid by Chico Bags to promote them, I just love them and think everyone should have them. You should. Have one. A Chico Bag, that is. Seriously. Go get one now. I'll wait. Choose a good color, m'kay ? "Cause the color of your Chico Bag says a lot about you ! No pressure !

OK, and we're back. After my great plastic bag adventure, I dragged the vacuum back down the hall (carefully avoiding eye contact with the rest of the house that also seriously (SERIOUSLY) needed a vacuum, because what am I, a fucking superhero ? Are you people never satisfied ? It's not even 9am and I vacuumed the kitchen and living room. I'm D O N E).

And then I went into my bedroom, stepping over a monstrous pile of clean laundry (all of my laundry issues revolve around clean laundry, by the way. I am HAPPY to wash the clothes, but put them away ? Not so much. And then I have a nasty habit of leaving wet clothes in the washing machine for days on end before I remember them because I have run out of underpants but again, do I look like Wonderwoman ? Really ? You think so ? I mean, I have noticed some similarities and I love her hair but - wait a minute, you're messing with me. Nice. Very nice.)

AS I WAS SAYING I stepped over a huge pile of clean laundry and then pulled a basket of folded clean clothes onto the floor and dumped it out and pulled out at least a half dozen bathing suits to be taken to the resale shop because even though my mother thinks it's gross and I can't actually handle it myself, lots of people buy used bathing suits. Apparently.

Then I put them in another tote bag and brought THAT down to the car to take with me to town.

I know, I am blowing MYSELF away with my efficiency and organization.

Then I got a champagne stopper for Marn and put that in my purse to be delivered later, and sorted out a bunch of clean laundry that was only sitting in the washer for about 23 hours and so had managable mildew-funk which I ignored and threw in the dryer anyway so that the clean laundry actually smelled kind of dirty but because it was technically clean I went with it. And if anyone has a problem they can SUCK IT.

THEN I screwed around on Facebook for 3 hours because MY GOD I was exhausted from doing so much so quickly.

And after all of that it was only 12:15 and I thought MY GOD I have the whole day ahead of me so I went right over to my friend's house and picked up her two boys because my house was clean and I just couldn't stand it for another minute so I needed to get at least two extra sets of dirty wet grass-covered feet in my house to make sure that there was NO SIGN OF CLEANLINESS. So I had 4 wet grassy sweaty kids drinking Gatorade and running around like they had just drank their weight in energy drinks and all was well.

I also managed to drop off the RECYCLED plastic bags at my work and my boss told me what a good job I had done yesterday and then right after that he farted while we were both in his very small office just the two of us and so I yelled at him for farting and he laughed like the sick fuck that he is and I stormed out and I am probably going to hear that story every day for the next 2 weeks because he thought it was so funny that he offended me and I stormed out.

And then all of a sudden it was late afternoon and the boys were going home and Max had tae kwon do and just to keep things interesting while he was at the dojo I went to the bank, the resale shop, and Walmart (where they gave me another plastic bag....CURSES !)

In the midst of all of this I also submitted a proposal to 2 magazines, chose a head shot, and read US magazine.

Tomorrow I am going to have a bloody mary at 8am and go straight to the beach so don't even thnk about asking me to vacuum because it's not going to happen.


Zach Oat said...

Very impressive. If they ever wise up and turn Wonder Woman from a boring, aloof Amazon into a domestic goddess, I hope they use you as the basis, f-bombs and all.

Brittany at Mommy Words said...

Holy crap are you entering your 2nd trimester young lady because I am only THIS productive while feeling good and pregnant. This is a day for the record books eh? I must say I am impressed. And by the way I have the same terrible laundry habits. Baskets of dry and folded clean laundry sit there while wet clean laundry mildews in the washer. WTF? You are so funny. And like me. That is why I like you and followed you.