It may be the massive amount of pharmaceuticals, or the fact that I was so competely soundly sleeping under anesthesia - either way, I came out of surgery and woke up and felt AWESOME.
The nurse says I was in a lot of pain when I first came around, and that she had to give me to good doses of pain medication in my IV, but thankfully I have no memory of that. I went under relaxed and joking and entirely unafraid - I was ready. And when I woke up, it was as though an enormous weight - physical and emotional, had been lifted.
Suddenly I wanted to CALL MY FRIENDS - people I have been hesitant to contact because I have been so bummed out - why call someone to complain ? I had nothing nice to say, and chose to say nothing at all. But that silence was very heavy, all around me. In my mind, in my heart, on my shoulders, in my belly. I was just so weighted down with worry and fatigue and anger and frustration.....but when I woke up on that gurney, it was gone. And so I called my friends, practically shouting into the cellphone - "I feel fucking AMAZING!" and they laughed at me, at my enthusiasm for having abdominal surgery, at my instantaneous recovery. I want to be with my girlfriends right now - dinners, and long talks and glasses of wine. I want to know what they have been up to while I have been secluded in my darkened bedroom.
I think that Sunday, we shall do brunch. A huge, champagne and benedict brunch, with waffles and biscuits 'n' gravy, and anything alse that sounds good. I just want to see them, talk to them, listen to them, hug them and thank them for waiting, for giving me the space I needed, the time I needed. I needed to be alone because I needed to protect myself - like a turtle in it's shell. I was scared, and uncertain, and retreated to safety. And they all knew there was no point in coaxing me out - that I would only come out when I was good and ready. I wasn't going to answer the phone if I didn't feel like talking, and I wasn't going to go out until I felt like I could stretch my neck waaaay out and get a good look around.
I'm back baby.
7 minutes ago