I'm sure I would have cleaned the fridge EVENTUALLY universe. You don't have to be such a dick about it.

Happy Thanksgiving! Or, Happy Thursday! (special shout out to my beloved Canucks and Kiwis! xo)

My god, I can't beleive it's finally here. My favorite day of the year, with it's $3 turkeys and mashed potatoes covered with gravy that is approximately 25% alcohol and 75% fat. I love everything about today.

Except when things go wrong. It is such a bitch when something happens to cast a shadow over this, the bestest day of the year. I blame it on the turkeys. They are nothing but trouble - dead or alive.

I bought the turkeys on Sunday and carefully set them in the fridge to defrost slowly over time as directed.
By Tuesday afternoon, not only were the turkeys still frozen solid, but everything ELSE in the fridge was frozen too. I discovered this quite by accident.

You see, on Tuesday afternoon I opened the refrigerator to get out something for lunch. I noticed some brown liquid under the turkeys.

"Damn." I thought to myself. "I should have put a tray or somethng under them before they thawed out. Now my whole fridge is going to be covered in nasty turkey juice." So I started dismantling the inside of my refrigerator, taking out the turkeys first. Which is when I discovered that they were still totally frozen solid. "Hm." I thought to myself. "These are not even close to defrosted. Where is all of that stuff coming from? And more importantly, WHY ARE THESE DAMN BIRDS STILL FROZEN SOLID?"

So I threw one turkey in the sink to rinse it off, and then I opened the veggie drawer and discovered that the bottom of that drawer was also full of this mystery liquid - and all of my vegetables were frozen.

"Hm." I thought to myself. "What the fucking fuck?"

So I took all of the veggies out of their plastic bags that were covered in the mystery spooge, threw the bags out and filled a bunch of tupperwares and paper bags with the frozen produce. I took the veggie drawer to the bathroom and rinsed it out. Or at least I tried to. But the brown ooze was sort of solid. Not frozen.

Syrupy.

"Hm." I thought to myself. "What could this be? It looks lik- OH FUCK it can't be."

But it was.

A bottle of maple syrup had been knocked over in my effort to fit all three turkeys in my refrigerator, and now my turkeys and the contents of both produce drawers, along with the entire bottom of my refrigerator, were all completely covered in semi-frozen maple syrup.

I have two things to say:

Maple syrup is a bitch to clean up
Maple syrup is expensive as all hell, and I seriously debated scooping it up and trying to save it.

It was not my finest hour.

In the end, it took foaming bathroom cleanser to get the mess under control. Half of my refrigerator was on my kitchen counter for over an hour while I sprayed and scraped and scrubbed and cursed.

And then I had to deal with the turkeys. The frozen turkeys.

This is my solution. They will stay in here until they are defrosted, dammit. And then I can worry about whether they were cold enough while defrosting, because god forbid I not have something life-threatening to worry about on a holiday. Yes, food-borne illness will do nicely. And when I get these suckers out you can bet I will be spraying the entire bathroom down with bleach and scalding hot water.

For my peace of mind, you see.

In the meantime I will get my silverware polished. Because yesterday, I bought 8 forks at a thrift store that were tarnished, and apparently tarnish means that is is silver or silver plated or GOOD ENOUGH TO POLISH.

(those magical glints in the photo - just come natural, ya'll. BECAUSE SILVER IS SHINY EVEN WHEN TARNISHED)

I just can't believe how grown up I feel talking about how I need to get the silver polished before our guests arrive. Does it matter that the forks cost 50 CENTS? NO IT DOES NOT. Unless is it makes it even better. I am going to be telling my children to go polish the silver before every dinner party. I mean, isn't that why we HAVE children? I am going to be snapping up silverware for them to polish at every opportunity.

I am officially my grandmother. If you see me stuffing a tissue up my sleeve, I want you to punch me.