Wednesday, August 24, 2011

If I smelled like unicorns, I'd be dancing around naked too.

Our last night in Portland was a respite from the cold and stress of 3 days playing some seriously grueling derby matches. The only sensible thing to do was head directly to the nearest steakhouse stripclub, and get real drunk.

And the place to do that in Portland is The Acropolis. For $10 you can order a steak and a beer, and eat it while naked women try to keep their nipples out of your baked potato. That's not a euphamism, by the way. You really have to watch that potato.

Because there are no strip clubs on Maui - and trust me, we've looked - we are pretty easily impressed. If you can actually move around, and be entertaining, we'll be happy. If you're especially limber, all the better. If you are beautiful, covered in tattoos, with cool hair and lots of piercings, and tell us about your daughter who wants to be a derby girl? You have yourself a captivated audience.

We had found a clear favorite in Jenna, and she played to her audience. Not only was she personable and nice to look at, she also smelled amazing. That's not just me being weird - we all noticed it. Maybe some of us were distracted by lack of oxygen, due to her wrapping her legs around our necks in some sort of mind-blowing stripper headlock, or thrown off when she blew on our cleavage, but my god it was really something.

We didn't make it rain - we made it pour, to the best of our broke-ass abilities.
And when we stumbled out of that bar, calling our goodbyes and thanking our servers, and friending Jenna on facebook, I think they were sad to see us go. "She smelled amazing." someone remarked as they lit a cigarette. "Like rainbows." another girl agreed. "She smelled like unicorns." one girl said dreamily as she climbed into a cab. But we weren't headed back to the hotel to rest up for our flight home. Oh no. We had another stop to make before we resumed life as responsible adults. And that stop was Devil's Point.

It was time for some stripperaoke.

Sadly, it wasn't the night for firedancing - so no one was going to light their nipples on fire or anything exciting like that - but we love strippers and we love karaoke, so we knew it was going to be a good time. Especially when two of our teammates got onstage to sing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" with Berlin. By the end of the song, the stripper was not the only person with her top off onstage, and while the dancer kept her business covered, one of the rollergirls had her skirt around her waist. She wasn't wearing any underwear. The entire bar was on it's feet screaming, and money was flying through the air as they finished the number in a blaze of glory, one girl straddling the stripper who was on her back playing a mean air guitar while the other derby girl was behind them grinding and singing her heart out.

It was a sight to see. And I have to say, it must have been a hard act to follow. I have no idea what happened next, because at that point the bar was closing, and I was busy calling cabs. Berlin came outside while we were waiting, and we introduced ourselves, told her how much we had enjoyed her performance, and promised to come back and see her the next time we were in town.

I am already working on my karaoke song.....I just have to figure out how to smell like Jenna. And I promise to wear underwear.

1 comment:

Kimberly said...

Now you all know how to party!
The last club we went to smelled like donkey pee and a male patron kept bugging me to dance. I should have took him up on that offer and made some cash ;)