It's not really rock and roll - but I like it, I like it, yes I do.

Tonight I went to town All By Myself.

I went straight to Macy's, where they already have the Christmas trees up and decorated, which means my children are now banned from all retail until January.

Usually the ban begins in September at the first hint of costumes and candy - but because they already have costumes, and because I started buying candy in August, they have been allowed to continue their retail adventures unabated until now.

People who have children will understand the particular brand of anxiety parents get when their young children are near fragile, precariously balanced trees covered in fragile, expensive ornaments. It will come as NO SURPRISE TO ANYONE that I come positively unglued in stores filled with breakables if my children are anywhere in the vicinity. And during Christmas, when I have a while extra set of reasons to eat Xanax like tic tacs, those poor kids don't stand a chance. Which is why they spend most of fall and the first half of winter standing outside of plate glass doors with their noses pressed wistfully to the pane, admiring the decorations from a safe distance.

But tonight no one was standing outside sorrowfully. I was having MOMMYTIME and for 30 minutes I just walked in circles picking up EVERY SINGLE ORNAMENT especially the ones that looked like they would go to pieces if I stared too hard or breathed the wrong way. Then I wound my way through the rest of the housewares, looking at linens and kitchen accessories that people with a lot of disposable income must think are necessary, like the asparagus holder and the tomato knife - not to be confused with the lettuce knife YOU MORON.

It was lovely, just lovely, and when I was sure that I had touched all of the break-y things and sniffed all the smell-y things I got in my car and drove home in 6th gear because no one was there to ask if 80 means we are going fast. And while I was tearing along the wide open highway I had the radio cranked all the way up and a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. There was a loud, fast-paced song on the radio, and I was drumming along on my steering wheel. I hadn't heard this song before but I was enjoying it thoroughly. And then they sang the chorus and I thought I had maybe heard something strange. I turned up the volume just as the repeated the line in question, and there it was, clear as day.

They were singing about Jesus.

Now ordiinarily, I would have felt totally conned, and changed the station immediately. I don't like my music to be mixed up with the Father, the Son, and The Holy Spirit (forehead, belly button, left nipple, right nipple AMEN) but as my friend Garret tweeted from an orthodox wedding last weekend "these guys hold a beat you could dance to".

And that is how I found myself enjoying Jesus Rock and a cigarette on the side of a volcano in 6th gear.
Peace be with you, praise the Lord, and pass the lighter.