Saturday, September 4, 2010

Nipples and Roaches and things that go crash

Hello my darlings. Daffodil is a very sleepy monkey, so we shall see if this post makes any sense at all. The last 24 hours have just been stupidly random, to the point where last night I contemplated walking home in the rain - to clear my head and also to avoid the roaches. But that comes later - let's start at the very beginning.

Yesterday was the Big! Rollergirls! Photo! Shoot! I had made a list of my favorite locations for cool "only on Maui" photos. I wasn't sure if this shoot was ever going to take place, due to my complete lack of self-confidence socially, and the complete lack of interest in having me be the photographer for their calendar. Can't say as I blame them, of course - I would send out these meek little emails that translated into: "well, um, I could take the photos, maybe in the next two weeks.......if you wanted"..... (cue the timid-poor-me-eyelash-batting-aw-shucks-kicking-the-dirt wallflower who still and forever lives deep inside.) I wasn't confident, I was all shy and uncertain and when I said it there was one of those "Oh, that is SO SWEET OF YOU!" group responses and then conversation would resume about *WHO* could possible take these pictures and *HOW* they were going to find a photographer willing to work for free and "WHEN* everyone might want to get together to do that. So to have to shoot actually happen at all was sort of empowering in and of itself.

BUT FIRST there was hair and makeup and bottles (and cans) of wine and beer and champagne and food and music and hairspray (A LOT of hairspray). Everyone met at my house, and Lizzie the FABulous worked her magic usually reserved for brides and celebrities and then we changed into our white dresses and piled into two cars.

And went to the gas station.

We rolled up during the height of afternoon traffic, causing our own little traffic jam. Noa had a bottle of wine in one hand and a glass from my house in another. (Ahem. I will be expecting that back.) Erin was having trouble fitting her hair in the backseat so she was sitting in the middle, very still, hoping it didn't get all fucked up on the ceiling upholstery. Shiner was taking photos. Everyone agreed that they were very thirsty.

You just haven't lived until 2 carloads of women (and Noa because, well, we love him and we like to take him with us everywhere. If you do't have a Noa in your life you must find one IMMEDIATELY.) As I was saying, you just haven't lived until you have seen 2 carloads of women in clothes that were supposed to say "angels" but instead vaguely resembled togas with big hair and tons of eye makeup pumping gas and buying tallies of Bud Light at the Minit Stop at 2 in the afternoon. Well, we all had on togas except Bo. Bo decided to go more natural. Bo cut a lace dress into 3 pieces, and then in half, and then just taped leaves on her nipples and called it a day. I love Bo. And to her credit, she wore a tank top to the gas station.

Nipple sighting number one.

After a while, we worked out way back into traffic and headed down the hill to location number one. It was pretty cool.

I set up the tripod, and we tried to use it, but the tripod sucked, and all of the photos were coming out at an angle. I couldn't get it to take a straight photo no matter how many ways I adjusted the legs. Eventually I took the camera off the tripod and handed it to Noa, who became our official photographer. And I will say it again - EVERYONE needs a Noa. He adorable, and he always has wine and he cooks bacon and wears hot pants. However, the issue with crooked photos did not improve. I blame the pants.

Next were heading to the jungle for a series of photos, starting with an old abandoned bus almost completely hidden by vines. But first, we were going to have to change. Which we all decided to do in the middle of the road. Granted, it was a dirt road in the middle of the jungle, but people do live along that road, and they do drive.

All I can say is: Nipple sighting number two. And Poor Noa. And has anyone checked his cellphone for photos?

We went through a series of increasingly bug-infested locations, from the bus to waist-high grasses to a secret pool with a waterfall. The pictures were great, and at the end some of us (cough BO cough) were in the pool and some of us were covered in mud and some of us were ready to go home because enough with the fucking jungle already I need another Bud Light.

And also, nipple sightings. Plural. I lost count.
Poor, poor Noa.

By the end of the day we were covered in bug bites and mud, an hour behind schedule, and starving.

And I had to go to work.

I went in later than usual - we had a private party and I was bartending. It was a nice crowd celebrating a birthday. I think it went very well. The guy who didn't tip us got a drink dumped on him because karma is very pro-gratuity. The birthday boy had a lovely time, right up until the very end when, in a moment of celebration, he dropped a glass on the floor. Just dropped it.


To his credit, he bent down to pick it up (and almost fell head-first into the pile of broken glass - oh hello celebratory head rush) but I shushed him and waved him off. No one should have to clean up on their birthday, and it's not a party until shit gets broke. So I thought it was a sign of a great evening, and a broken glass was a small price to pay. A trip to the ER for stitches would have really taken the rosy glow off of an otherwise lovely memory.

At the end everyone left and we cleaned up and we were ready to go when one of the guests walked back through the door. "Can I have some napkins? A girl fell down and she's bleeding." This sweet girl wearing the loveliest heels had fallen over.


It's no surprise, what girl who wears sexy high heels hasn't missed the curb or gotten their heel stuck and twisted an ankle, right? So I handed him the napkins, and he went outside and I continued cleaning up. Only, I looked out the window, and the girl didn't look so good. "Oh" I thought, "Maybe blood makes her woozy." I went outside with a cold cloth.

She was out like a light. "Let's lie her down?" I suggested. So they eased her down and when she was stretched out on the sidewalk her top slipped to the side and.......

(sigh) Nipple sighting number whatever the fuck I have seen so many nipples at this point it's just ridiculous. She opened her eyes, and was feeling dizzy, but a friend took her home and promised to keep an eye on her. So I went to the parking lot to get in my car and when I opened the door I tried not to scream.

The car was teeming with cockroaches. When the light came on, they all starting scurrying everywhere. And I stood there and just........stared. I was frozen in horror.


I was so tired. It was raining. I just wanted to go home. And while my gut instinct was to run at top speed up the hill and stay far, FAR away from that car and it's *ahem* contents...........But let's be realistic here. I would have made it about a mile, the curled into the fetal position and texted someone for a ride. So I just sucked it up, climbed in, and drove at top speed to my house. Whereupon I got out of the car, squaled, shuddered, jumped up and down, shook my hair out and stripped naked on the porch doing the "icky dance" as Lucy calls it. In the rain. At 2am.

Nipple sighting number 236764.

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