Sunday, May 30, 2010

no sex on an island

I saw Sex in the City 2 today.

That was depressing.

The girls looked old. Like, real old. They weren't having sex. I couldn't afford any of the clothes they were wearing, and I didn't want half of them anyway. Their kids were fucking annoying. Their husbands weren't vaguely appealing. Aidan was there, and hot, and Carrie got all dopey and ruined it. Samantha is a dirty whore. Charlotte needs to spank her daughters. Miranda still has weird front teeth that always distract me, but she was the only one I could even vaguely relate to.

And then came the scene - the best scene in the whole movie if you ask me, where Miranda and Charlotte talk about that feeling that was just so totally famliar to me (and probably to other moms that went through hell to have kids). You want kids. You wait so long for them, and you go through so much - so FUCKING MUCH - to have kids and you are so excited to be a mommy, and turns out that being a mommy is not exactly what you had envisioned. And while I totally understood Charlotte locking herself in the pantry when the kids got to be a little too much........I frankly would have locked the KIDS in the pantry, and taken myself to the closest bar for a refreshing beverage, a cigarette, and some fucking peace and quiet.

Tomorrow is the first official day of our Summer Vacation. Meaning, both kids are out of school. Luckily, Sami is also going to be home so I will have one more day of reprieve from having these kids to myself.

I love my kids. But I hate it when they get bored. It makes me feel like the worst mother in the world. I don't want them to just sit around and watch TV, but god knows I don't have a whole bunch of original ideas lined up to keep them entertained. I have NO IDEA what we are going to do next week.

I guess I can just take them to the forest or the beach or the playground, and let 'em rip. I definitely can't let them use my laptop, because this afternoon while I was at the movies, they somehow removed or disconnected or shut off or uninstalled the wireless driver and now it can't connect ot the internet unless I am attached to the modem with a wire that is about 3 feet long. And the modem is in a dark corner of the house with no furniture. When I left they were lying on the couch  in the sunshine watching netflix - on our wireless internet connection. When I got back my computer was abandoned on the coffee table, and no one had ANY IDEA that it no longer had the ability to connect to the internet. My computer is currently balanced precariously on the printer, tethered to this stupid 3 foot long wire from an old desktop, while I type standing up in the dark, angling the screen to illuminate the keyboard enough so that I can see what the fuck I am doing.

Oh no, nothing happened. No, they didn't touch anything. No, the power didn't go out. No, they didn't have any trouble using it before I got home. Oh no, it worked JUST FINE while I was gone.

And now, it just..........doesn't.
Awesome. Building a fucking mystery over here, people.

So yeah, if you are keeping track, with this added to my electronics graveyard that I have hidden behind the massage chair that also seems to be having electrical problems, that makes 2 broken computers and a broken VCR, a hard drive with a malfunctioning version of iTunes that I am afraid to touch in case I erase all of the music on there, 2 broken cameras (one digital, one video) and a bunch of empty DVD and cd cases whose contents have mysteriously disappeared like my FUCKING WIRELESS CONNECTION......which all adds up to a very long summer vacation. I just couldn't be more excited about this. I'll be here, sweating, wearing clothes I found in a garbage bag of moldy clothes that were left in a garage that got flooded after a garage sale, and a pair of $2 flip flops, and the only place I am jetting off to is my mom's house. (Yes, there will indeed be brief stops in my beloved San Fran and Seattle - but trust me, glamour is not going to have any part in that. It's still going to be hot as fuck, and I'll just have the 3 dresses from the post-yard sale apocalypse and the pair of flip flops) and my husband and I will be seperated for almost a month, so sex either.

It's like I am the exact OPPOSITE of Carrie Bradshaw. Because she even has fucking wireless internet. That bitch.

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