Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I like big buts and I cannot lie

I have a habit of sharing some long-winded opinion about this, that, or the other thing, and when you are fairly certain that you understand what I am trying to say, and continue reading.......you'll come across a big "BUT".

For example, yesterday I was all bent out of shape about coal mining and the coal industry, and how bad they are and how we should use other forms of energy and blah blah blah sorry can't talk I'm busy humping this tree over here yay Sierra Club and the EPA and then in the very next breath I'm all "BUT there is really no way to avoid using products and power that comes from coal."


The same can be said for my employment status. I walked the walk, left the job and found another one and was all "I'm so grateful and I'll work the lousy hours and do the crappy work because I am lucky to have a job as long as people are nice to me, sunshine, rainbows, pretty flowers, bunnies are soft blah blah blah" and then (are you ready for it?) I come back with this BUT:

BUT I tried my best and still didn't get put on the schedule. I know. How embarrassing, I should try to put a cooler spin on it, and I don't know exactly WHY I didn't get offered the bartending job but there you have it. I thought I had a job, and it turns out......well, notsomuch. I was offered another position, but it was still being developed and was not a good fit for me in pretty much every way from the hours to the responsibilities to the pay (it shouldn't be about the money, but oh man it was kind of about the money). And when I wrote the owner a nice note thanking him for the opportunity to try for a bartending gig, and letting him know that it seemed like maybe they just didn't really need me, and definitely did not want me as a bartender, and I tried to be all reserved and polite and avoided naming names or getting defensive and I was hanging on to my pride with two white-knuckled fists and I got what can only be described as a whole load of WTF in return. Right now, I am sitting on my hands, trying to keep myself from dialing or typing. The silence is literally killing me. It is not my natural state, to think before speaking. I am all about the debate, the discussion, the negotiation and the conversation. But it boils down to this. I don't want to step on toes. I don't want to go over someone's head. I don't want to shoehorn my way into a job.

Because the only way to a sure-fire nasty work environment is to tattle and whine and get all self-righteous.
In other words, I just......let it go. I'm going to visit the folks in June, spend some time with the fam, and then come back and get the kids ready for school, and then, finally, I'll take a deep breath and fucking get my shit together.

So yeah. I suck, basically. I'm a quitter, baby. Natalie Dee, take it away.......

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