Monday, March 15, 2010

Hepatitis Park...skip the swings, hang out in the dirt and dig for treasure !

I took the kids to the playground today. I KNOW ! I am AWESOME !

I hate the playground. Not just because it's filled with OPC (other people's children) but also because it is fucking DIRTY and OHMYGODTHEGERMS. So I am sitting there, perched on the edge of the bench, trying not to touch anything, completely skeeved out, while my children are running around in the dirt and picking up all of these random things from the ground and using them for some kind of imaginary pretend game they had going on. My son took off his shoes, both kids were completely covered in filth, we were out of water and it was hot and sunny and windy so the dirt was blowing everywhere and WHYGODWHY it was awful and I was utterly paralyzed by the grossness of it all. I just couldn't relax and enjoy some time with my girlfriends. I had to keep track of the kids, who were running around like they had just been released from prison and were enjoying their first taste of freedom in 20 years.

So I call Max over and tell him to "please, for the love of god, stop tackling that little asshole (L.A.) who's bothering you and go wash your hands again." He is not pleased, and for the record, that L.A. he pinned deserved it but I digress because let's be honest, my real issue isn't with whether Max was out of line, or whether the L.A. deserved it, but with the fact that this particular L.A. was filthy and sweaty and had really long hair that was blowing in the breeze which would have been beautiful if I didn't live in fear of ukus (and for good reason: 3 out of 4 people in this household have long thick hair and ukus are just not something we can deal with AS A FAMILY, my debilitating OCD aside. Well, not really aside, but sort of, well, yeah okay aside. ANYWAY. UKUS ARE BAD AND YUCKY.)

As Max wanders off to wash his hands, I throw his slippers in the general direction of his ass "And put these ON YOUR FEET!" I shout after him like the crazy person that I am. He glares at me, puts the slippers back on, and shuffles away. Now I am scratching my head because the very thought of ukus makes my head itch. ***shudder***

Meanwhile, Lucy is lying in the "sand" under a slide, building a "sandcastle" and it is All I Can Do to keep myself from running over and dragging her out of there. I am literally willing myself to stay put and let her play like a normal child. My friend wanders up and we are talking about how grossed out I am, and she tells me that "once I found a syringe in the dirt on the ground here."

"Oh yeah."


Now we are home, I am about to shampoo my head with kerosene, and the kids have been thoroughly marinated in soap and tee tree oil and I don't think that is even close to good enough. If I could spray us all down with Roundup, I totally would, but I have been advised against it so, well, I'm open to alternatives.

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