Saturday, October 24, 2009

When it all just seems like kind of a LOT

You know ? You know when everything just seems really fast and loud and bright and annoying and a teensy bit out of control and you don't know whether to yell or cry or go back to bed ?

You know ?

I have been blaming it on jetlag and "quality time with the kids" overload but I gotta be honest......I need a break. A vacation from my vacation. I am just burned out on trying to multitask. It's embarrassing to admit. I know there are single parents out there that are just plugging away, doing their thing, keepin on keeping on - doggedly working and living and hanging on and holding on and FUCK I can't do it.

I need a break. Everything is setting me on edge. Everything seems to be too much. And I feel like in the past week, about 10 different times I have thought "This is it. I can't do this anymore. Not again."

I came home after yet another traumatic morning of parenting kids who really need me, and need me to be a calm and reliable parent. One is sick, one is acting like a goofball, we had a sleepover and errands and tae kwon do and we had to get pumpkins for halloween and veggies for dinner and I needed to get some more milk and yogurt and by the time we got home I had to pee so badly I literally couldn't hold it for another second and as I threw my purse down and ran for the sweet sweet relief of a quiet bathroom all by myself for 2 fucking minutes both kids were all "I'm hungry and I want my snack and I need lunch and I want dessert and I'M THIRSTY MAMA."

And at that very instant, everything felt like it was just exploding - like a firework, in a thousand sparkly shards of light and fire and heat and cold and I just stood stock still and said to myself only maybe I accidentally said it out loud: "I am sick and tired of being responsible for everyone and everything all of the god damned time".

Because I am.

I have not had more then a 5 or 6 hour span of time alone in 9 years. NINE YEARS. My entire life has been working and working and working and taking brief flickers of time off but always with the kids which is not time off at all. It's not.

I need a vacation from my life. From worrying about the money and the kids and who's hungry and who's tired and who needs to be where when and what needs to be cleaned and bought and repaired and maintained and washed and trimmed and scrubbed and reviewed and signed and paid and discussed.

I. Just. Don't. Give. A. Shit.

At this point, I have to be honest, I am worried that even time off won't get me back on track. What if this is burnout ? What if I am burned out on my life ? On myself ? I might be sick of me.

I am at a place where something's gotta give - and it can't be my bladder.

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