Saturday, October 31, 2009

Jesus and Mary and the MPD

We were just lying by the pool, bitching about how cold it was and trying to figure out whether our wingmen would be able to re-enact the legendary water scene from Dirty Dancing.
"You can't lift me."
"The hell I can't."
"That sounded like a challenge."
"Those are fighting words."
"Let's do it."
"I can just see it tomorrow morning: 'Mommy, HOW did you break your nose again?'"
"Well, that will just add to your character's authenticity."
"Yeah, Jennifer Grey got a nose job."
"And now she looks totally different."
"Stop changing the subject. You can't hold me up in the air."
"Woman, you better get ready to take that back."

And then, from the 3rd floor deck, one of the lusty pirates called out "The cops are here."

Sami was pretty confident that he wouldn't be arrested, seeing as how he was dressed as Jesus. Johnny Castle was looking forward to seeing how his mugshot turned out, and cheerfully debating leaving the wig on.

I was pissed. I didn't have the checkbook, so bail would be complicated if someone got arrested. And we hadn't done anything, but the cop was being perfectly clear upstairs:"If I have to come back here, I'm going to arrest the person who lives here, and anyone else who is causing a disturbance."

The guy who was dressed as Steve-O in a tiger-striped thong bikini quickly tucked his left nut back in his pants.

I was just glad we had already left the vicinity and were safely out of sight...and that no one was holding a bong or anything. The timing was perfect, but it could have been really really bad. We had coincidentally just wandered away from the raucus Beer Pong Semi-finals on the back deck when Maui's men in blue arrived. I was trying to chill out because a random girl in an unidentifiable costume had gotten a little touchy feely with Jesus earlier, and we had moved to a different area to get some distance. Which is good. Because if we had stayed there by the gate, and I had punched that chick right in the face like I had been contemplating, the cops would have shown up just in time to arrest me - and that would have sucked because no one wants to be dressed like Mary Magdalene in a mugshot.

In general, I have a big mouth but I am fairly disinclined to get into any sort of physical confrontation. But on this particular night I was overtired and ornery, and then this chick just came outta nowhere. It started with the typical flirtatious eyelash batting and gooey-girl voice, and then it got personal. As she lifted her hand and ran her fingers through my husband's hair, cooing about how amazing it was that it was his Real! Hair! and OMYGOD! people around us realized that she was crossing some boundaries, and started to step back, just waiting to see what I was going to do.

A friend of mine was watching from above, a lusty pirate's wench who told me later that she had seen it all develop right before her very eyes, mesmerized by what was going down "with Jesus and that crazy chick" and wondering why I hadn't removed her hand from his person already. As she stood, elbowing her husband the lusty pirate while watching and debating whether they needed to jump in, crazy chick continued with her hands on appreciation of my husband and his costume, oblivious to the increasing tension. She began to caress my husband's beard (which is also real, just for the record) and tell him how amazing he looked, and he looked at me like "Um, any time now would be good honey. You know I don't hit girls but you are certainly welcome to". I was about to hand Johnny Castle my bag and get things real clear with this girl, but first I scanned the crowd for Baby. I was going to need backup - there were a lot of people around, and I only knew a few of them. I wanted to make sure that if I started something, I had enough people on hand to help me keep things civilized. Or at least, to make sure I got a good first shot before they dragged me out. But Baby was up on one of the decks with Heidi and Pippi Longstocking and I couldn't get her attention. I turned back around to focus my attention on this idiot who was about to stick her hand under my husband's robe, and at that moment she felt the heat of my burning stare and suddenly realized that Jesus was at this shindig with Mary Magdalene, and he wasn't looking for any new desciples if you know what I mean, and she backed the fuck off. Thank God.
So like I was saying, by the time the cops got there, we had escaped the crowd.

We stayed out of it. We're adults, and our days of getting busted by the cops are over. We maintained status quo down by the pool, trying to keep our voices down (though that was probably unsuccessful). Apparently, beer pong notwithstanding, it was too early in the evening for anyone to get arrested. No one was drunk enough, first of all. And no one was in the mood to go hang at the local substation waiting for a ride to booking. So the cops left, and the party changed gears.....some people went inside, some people took their coolers and left. We were still down by the pool when our host came down and told us we had to go inside if we wanted to stay. I guess he didn't feel like getting arrested due to the Dirty Dancing re-enactment or Sami trying to walk on water.

We stood there for a minute, coming to terms with the fact that we would never know for sure if Johnny could do the lift, and deciding that with a Jesus groper in the crowd we probably didn't want to go we grabbed the cooler, said our goodbyes, and hit the road in Henny the Hot Rod. As we rode off, we must have been quite a vision......Mary Magdalene behind the wheel, Jesus riding shotgun, and Johnny Castle and Baby cuddling in the backseat. 'Cause that's how we roll.

Happy Halloween, and to all a good night.

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